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I woke up again crying today.

I have lost my best friend. Even now when i think i can get some release by writing about it, i find myself with tears rolling down my face. I am still really foggy about what happened. What when horribly wrong. I know that there was a problem with the communication. I know that I did not express what I needed to, in the way that she needed to hear it. I know that my part in it was that I put it on her, instead of it being my feelings. And it hurts. So horribly bad.

We have known each other for 19 years this year. That is the longest I have ever known anyone besides my parents. And more important, she has known me. All of me. When I would lie, cheat and steal she was the only one that knew. I never lied to her. I never stole from her. For many years I trusted her more than I ever trusted myself. And now looking back, I leaned on her for support. I figured she knew me. I could NOT bullshit her. She always told me the "real deal," never some sugar-coated bullshit to make me feel better. She was my sounding board.

And now we are no longer in each others lives. Which in someways seems so ironic to me. I always wanted her to get sober so she could have a better life for her kids, and also so she could understand what I go through as an alcoholic. And then she did get sober. And now just exactly the opposite has happened. She has lumped me in with the rest of her family. She has been taking care of them for years. Always the mother, never the daughter, or sister...and I get how taxing that may be for her. And now she has clarity and is able to say that she is done with that. I feel very much like I got put in with them. Like someone she thinks she needs to take care of, when this whole time I thought we were taking care of each other. I guess that is not the case. And it makes me very sad.

I am going to put down some of the amazing memories I have of our lives together, that I can remember. Some of them just fragments. Because I was intoxicated for most of the years we knew each other.

long talks on the skateboard bed. black zip-up hoddie. long blond hair. a suitcase with everything special in it. huge jeans backwards with lots of rolling rocks in them. the graveyard by school. red tail ale. monkey music (aka faith-no-more). oatmeal. small bottles of wine from the restaurant next door. George. speed. 1401 high street. hiding my money under the toilet seat cover. the key we use to hide under the mat. sub sandwiches till you puke. fugazi. carver Busch. muddy's. mike and what's-his-face. riding the bus with her dad in his painting gear. chesse man park. the whistle we used to find each other. many many letters. photos from Florida. black van with Forrest in a car seat. pink bug. the rickshaw. 22 of mickeys. lots of Friday nights at doc's. jiggles during the day. Terra. going to reggae. $3 brownies. my dad's. Dave's. 21st. birthdays. getting punched in the face. (etc...and we were only 21 at this point.)

See i knew this would make me feel better. I get to keep with me all the good memories.
I wish I had photos to scan. maybe tonight I will go home and look at old photos. It may make me sad, but through the sadness I will grow.

Thank you bean for all the amazing times. I love you now and forever.

yours,
Kai