ok sure, what ever you need.

eugene
dec 31st.

today is the first time since we went to the coast that I have been able to sit and do some writing. I have been meditating every morning and a little at night before I fall asleep if i did not just pass out. the time change has been fucking with me. But, I am more worried about going home and having to work on Friday, and making it there on time :0

So Eugene was smooth. I got to see Dione, Heather, Angela, Niki, Aspen and Claire. It was nice to see all these women. And it now seems like of ironic that I spent so much time with all these old friends (and they just happen to all be women) seeing that I have been really shut out of the women's crew in mke. And then all these women were like "we love you" and "we miss you". Especially seeing Claire and Dione. Both women who have made the hugest impact on my life. And I was feeling anxious about spending time with Claire. I now understand why she needed some time off. Even thought it really fucked me up. And I now know that it was not just me and the feelings had very little to do with me. It was her stuff she needed to work on. She has started to come out the other side. I miss having her in my life. So much. She is an amazing person and i need to have her in my life to be the woman i want to be. She has made the most changes of anyone that I know, besides maybe Dione. Wow. She blew me away last night. She told me she was sorry for all that she had put me through. Pretty fucking amazing. She is going to yoga and taking vitamins...and the biggest of all. she QUIT SMOKING. Dione quit smoking. Any fucking thing can happen in the world. i really love these women. unconditionally. it will never change. and i don't say that very often, but my love for them is pure and true. More than anything in the world is. my expectations are put away on this one. I would like them to love me back, but i no longer expect it. And in turn i wont take it for granted. As long as i remain open. thank you.

mom: I love this woman. She makes me laugh so hard I almost pee all the time. We had a very nice time together. It would be nice if the whole time we are together she did not worry about when she was going to see me next. I have learned to be more in the moment and enjoy the time that we are currently spending together. So even thought she did not do that, I did. And i had a great time with her. She is getting really bad at driving, and it freaks me out. And I have to work on my patience. Which is good for me. Since someday, I will be taking care of her. We are on a much more real trip now. Its like we are friends and when things get fucked up (which they still do) I can be the bigger person and just walk away or not engage in the button pushing that goes on. Its nice to be able to see when you need to take a breath and not react. really nice. She makes me a little tired. She is getting older and I can see it every time we part. It make me sad. I need to be closer. I don't want to be so far and not be able to see her when i miss my mom. And I know she wants the same. I love you mom.

Eugene it self has very little left for me. I drive around and wonder where I am going or what to do. I lived there for a very long time and now it seems like a unknown land. Someplace I know that I have been, but forget why. I am glad I can go there and be in the protective arms of my sober girls. Otherwise It may be a little harder for me. I have a ton of memories there, good and bad. Its nice when I can leave there. I breath a little bit better.

on the way to pdx for nye now. no expectations.

pacific ocean

Today I had a chance to go and sit by the ocean. something that my mind had been telling me to do for a very long time. I sat and quieted myself and focused on my breathing and counting my breaths. This is the type of mediation I use to do a couple of years ago and as of recent I had forgotten about, and how it makes me feel totally at ease. I tried to pay attention to the ocean and how that breathing the ocean into me, was filling me full. I let a ton of stuff go. I use to not want to talk about the meditation I would do. seeing it as somehow I was to "new age" or something. and now today I don't really care what people think and am feeling better internally. its nice.

I miss the ocean and as much as i try to replace lake Michigan with it, it will never be the same. hopefully someday I can once again live by the ocean.

It was really nice to just be with my mom and walk along the beach picking up shells and talking about the future, past and present. It was nice to be sitting in silence with her as we do our own thing. She is the one that taught me to meditate and to count the breaths and be mindful. She let me go and sit on the top of the hill and just do my own thing. Knowing that I needed to do that, and that was part of the reason I come to the ocean.

Its funny. I always come back to the same place, year after year. Its like I know where my center is and I choose to live very far from it. And when I feel off, it's because I cant find the center. And its too far away. I find it hard to keep this with me in the in between times when I cant get here. But this is what works for now. Maybe sometime I will let go of my place on the hill on the south jetty in Florence, Oregon. Until then.

christmas travels...[part one]

travels part one (photos coming soon)

23rd. : mke to Houston. Kevin rock gave me a ride to the airport. he is sweet. I had a very long day at work. so it was nice that was one less thing to worry about. i had been kind of stressed out about this trip because it was looking like the snow in pdx was so bad that I may not be able to land. it was making me feel anxious. i already knew i would not be able to get the rental car i had reserved. so i had come to this comfortable place that if my plane was late or not going at all i would be OK with it. so i got to the airport and everything was going smooth. i knew it would be busy flying before Xmas. and it was but everything was good. my plane was a little late in mke which means it would be late getting to Houston. oh well. i saw people helping people all over the place. this couple was on some other airline and continental put them on our plane. and even gave them vouchers for some free drinks. i think that the couple gave her and autographed book. people watching is good in the airport.
oh wait let me back up. i was worried that my bag was going to be overweight (before you make an assumption about how much shit i am bringing - the bag weighs 15 lb.... empty) and i did not want to pay $50 bucks so i put it on the scale and it weighed 48lbs. which means i can't bring anything home, but i am good for now. so late flight, but i had seat IA so i was in the front front. the airline lady gave me two snack packs. thank god for free snacks on continental. and i have a little trick i will share with you now: when your hungry and there is no food being served on the plane. get a Mr. and ms. T's bloody mary mix. it works good to hold you over. that is if you like tomato juice. otherwise you can starve. i remember when we use to get hot food. for free. wtf?

late into Houston. and i did not realize how late. but when we landed it was 9:10 and my plane was boarding at 8:55. so i ran my ass off. and mind you i had to get on the little tram thing and run down some stairs and all the way to the end of one of the terminals. it was a long ways. i saw one of those electric cart things and the guy gave me a ride. and at the gate they had already called my name a bunch. and there were a ton of people wanting to fly standby. and after i got on. there was one more seat. it was very very close. but i got on the plane. which turned out to be the longest 4.5 flight in history. and even "sisterhood of the traveling pants 2" could keep me awake. :) finally we landed in pdx. and i knew there was going to be a chance i would not be able to get on the max seeing that it stops running at 11:30. I went to go look anyways. It was sitting there. so i bought a ticket and hoped for the best. it was 12:45 at this point. i knew i could get off and call a cab. thanks to my trusty blackberry. so i got on. some how my god stepped in an changed the red line into the blue line and it took me to the stop i needed three blocks from Maddie's house. so rad. and i drug my bag through the snow and finally got to her house. its amazing how safe i feel in Portland. not a soul out and i did not feel weird at all. just comfortable and knew i would find my way and get to her house. and i did. Maddie's apt was so cute. her kitty was there and happy. i brushed my teeth and washed the plane off my face and went to bed. it was now close to 2. 4am my time.

24th: i woke this morning and took a shower. it was about 8am. i knew i was close to the ace hotel and the best coffee in the city. and i knew i could chill out there for awhile. which i did. it started snowing as i was walking there. so pretty. big flakes. so i got my small latte and James's 12 oz of Kenya Gaturiri reserve and took a seat on the couch in the lobby of the Ace hotel. (1022 sw. stark ave.) my friend ben capps (from h.s. in mendocino) that i had not seen since i was 14 (that's 19 years ago) met me at Stumptown. we did some catching up and went to meet my friend Sean Finnagan from milwaukee. we got some food. and went to powell's books. and then got my shit from maddies and went to get on the max to get to the train station. i then drug my bag about 8 blocks ( that fucking sucked) and got to the train station covered in sweat. then my bus was late. and now i am on the bus writing this.

I am sure there will be a part two.

kai

jonny b

there are people who come and go from our lives. some of them touch us in a very special way.
this guy Johnny b. touched me. we use to drink together. he was an amazing artist. recently an old friend Dan posted a bunch of old photos of mendo people and there was one of him. i had forgotten how much this guy had been part of my life. he took me and fustin to my very first a.a. meeting. we had been drinking all day. i think he had to be there to get some court stuff signed. we sat in the back. i remember the building but not the faces. today, that seems like many lifetimes ago. i also remember the day i got a phone call from Petra telling me that Johnny had overdosed in Oakland. and the feeling i that came over me. wow. i feel those feelings again as i write this. and the reason i never put a needle in my arm was because of him. thank you for that.

rip jackel.

something that's been bugging me...

Why is that people may not be a size 2 are looked at as bad people. I was thinking about how I was treated when i was super skinny and smoking speed all the time. I think it was better than I am treated now at a size 12/14. And I do it too, I look at overweight people and wonder why they cant just stop eating, don't they know they are killing themselves? I am a healthy person. I don't eat shitty, i try to work out, i only eat until i am full. I don't have a love hate relationship with food. I feel good. Maybe sometimes I smoke a little. Or once in awhile I have a latte instead of black coffee. But, i order for people to give me a shot in this world you have to look the part, even if you have no idea what you are doing. Its sad to me sometimes that we are a sex driven society. It sells, and if you hot and selling it, people will buy it. Its the honest truth. And my ego tells me, to get the things I want in this world I have to starve myself and workout everyday, all day. This is the way I was built. If you look at my family, this is the way they were built. Yeah, I have big boobs and a tummy. I don't mind it most of the time. And as much as starving myself sounds like a good idea to be able to buy skinny jeans...I wont do it.

I have been thinking. maybe a little too much. I am not sure whats going on. I want some security. Is that not what people look for their whole lives? I want to know that I am going to be ok at my job, in my life, in my personal relationships. And sometimes this feels like too much to ask for.

When I think of an ideal situation, for my future. It includes a cute house (that i have put my blood, sweat and money into), a solid work situation, a partner that communicates and loves me. And a relationship with my mother that is based on a solid foundation. My sobriety keeps these things attainable.

I hope that the economic problems that are effecting everyone, change. There are little things I know I take for granted, like having a nice car, being able to go and buy nice things, having items in my life that are disposable, a roof over my head...these are all things that could change at any moment. And I am becoming more and more aware of them. Its a scary scary time. And our new president is aware of this, and will hopefully do something about it. Because something has got to change. No ones jobs are secure. Nothing should be taken for granted. And I am trying very hard not to do that. And also not being so scared that I make myself feel nuts. We are in crisis right now in America and hopefully things will change. I am trying to stay optimistic.

I do know that history has been made and things are going to maybe get worse before they get better. I am hopeful.

xk

protecting people

Sometimes it hurts others when you withhold information. I know that people protect people to make it easier for themselves. And people don't tell the whole truth, not because they are liars...but because they don't want to hurt people. But i think if you are living your life with respect and love for others (which includes yourself) then you should be honest with everyone. no?

And what people think should be respected, but your feelings are also valid. I am sad that when somethings are one sided, it always hurts the person who was not feeding themselves. And it hurts me to see people continue to take steps to not hurt people and they are not doing the same for themselves. They cant grow into the people they want to be because they are afraid of making someone else react. It sucks.

And one person in particular who is a blood sucker. She sees people as weak and takes advantage of them. Uses them. Sucks them dry and they keep crawling back. Power used for bad. Its horrible. And then people wonder what happened to them. They never saw it coming.

k

stuff i like for the week.

So I was thinking about stuff i want to have/do/make. And for some reason these three things have come up. I really think i would like to have a single or fixed gear bike. I have a ton of respect for the people that are riding fixies with no breaks. It seems semi-unsafe, but it looks fun. I was riding with my friend jenny the other day and she has a fixie and she was passing me on hills with not even breaking a sweat. It looked like i would like that. :)

Here are things that made me happy this week in no order. The gloves are from a company called knog . This company makes super rad stuff for people who ride bikes. The gloves are expensive, but they are so cute. And they have great lights for yo bike.

Another thing is sometimes i spend time on the smoking gun website
its got a ton of funny shit on it. I could spend two hours reading about what people spend at the jails commissary. This shit could take up all my time. And today i was looking at mug shots of all kids of people. I found my fave. I would like to make a screen of this and put it on a t-shirt?

i love you all.
kai

coffee shops

So as of recent I find myself spending more and more time in coffee shops. Let me go back a second - before I moved to milwaukee in febuary 2003, I had not spent much time in 'coffee shops'. Where I come from you get your coffee and go. Here in mke, people spend time in coffee shops. Hanging out, meeting up, using the "free" internet, and drinking coffee. Lots of it. What I noticed that was very different from oregon, was there are NO drive thru coffee huts here. None. And it fucking snows like you would not believe. So people park (if you can find parking) and get out. And go inside and get coffee. It makes me wonder if more people make coffee at home? Or if they really don't give a shit about getting out of their warm cars to go get coffee. Or another option is that they don't know about drive-thru coffee? Or how rad it is?

Wow, that was a ton on that subject. I know that lora will have something to weigh on this? :)

So here I am waiting for a friend at a coffee shop before a meeting. The only plus is most of the coffee shops in mke, are non-smoking now. Which I like. Nothing like sitting for hours in a smokey room.

That's all I have...I think.
Life is going. I am excited about this kids book I am illustrating. It makes me feel good. I can't wait to cash a check that will complete the great feeling. Relationships are hard, as always. Some are smoother than others and one in particular is going well. And that makes me feel good.

I am getting excited about going to oregon for christmas. I want to see my mom, jenny and jenny's kid Tori. I want to decorate the tree with my mom. I want to spend the day in my pj's and chill with the dogs. And I want to look in the sky and see ALL the stars. Its so peaceful out at my mom's. You take that for granted when you have been living in a busy city. I am ready for the quiet.


Love,
k

b

I woke up again crying today.

I have lost my best friend. Even now when i think i can get some release by writing about it, i find myself with tears rolling down my face. I am still really foggy about what happened. What when horribly wrong. I know that there was a problem with the communication. I know that I did not express what I needed to, in the way that she needed to hear it. I know that my part in it was that I put it on her, instead of it being my feelings. And it hurts. So horribly bad.

We have known each other for 19 years this year. That is the longest I have ever known anyone besides my parents. And more important, she has known me. All of me. When I would lie, cheat and steal she was the only one that knew. I never lied to her. I never stole from her. For many years I trusted her more than I ever trusted myself. And now looking back, I leaned on her for support. I figured she knew me. I could NOT bullshit her. She always told me the "real deal," never some sugar-coated bullshit to make me feel better. She was my sounding board.

And now we are no longer in each others lives. Which in someways seems so ironic to me. I always wanted her to get sober so she could have a better life for her kids, and also so she could understand what I go through as an alcoholic. And then she did get sober. And now just exactly the opposite has happened. She has lumped me in with the rest of her family. She has been taking care of them for years. Always the mother, never the daughter, or sister...and I get how taxing that may be for her. And now she has clarity and is able to say that she is done with that. I feel very much like I got put in with them. Like someone she thinks she needs to take care of, when this whole time I thought we were taking care of each other. I guess that is not the case. And it makes me very sad.

I am going to put down some of the amazing memories I have of our lives together, that I can remember. Some of them just fragments. Because I was intoxicated for most of the years we knew each other.

long talks on the skateboard bed. black zip-up hoddie. long blond hair. a suitcase with everything special in it. huge jeans backwards with lots of rolling rocks in them. the graveyard by school. red tail ale. monkey music (aka faith-no-more). oatmeal. small bottles of wine from the restaurant next door. George. speed. 1401 high street. hiding my money under the toilet seat cover. the key we use to hide under the mat. sub sandwiches till you puke. fugazi. carver Busch. muddy's. mike and what's-his-face. riding the bus with her dad in his painting gear. chesse man park. the whistle we used to find each other. many many letters. photos from Florida. black van with Forrest in a car seat. pink bug. the rickshaw. 22 of mickeys. lots of Friday nights at doc's. jiggles during the day. Terra. going to reggae. $3 brownies. my dad's. Dave's. 21st. birthdays. getting punched in the face. (etc...and we were only 21 at this point.)

See i knew this would make me feel better. I get to keep with me all the good memories.
I wish I had photos to scan. maybe tonight I will go home and look at old photos. It may make me sad, but through the sadness I will grow.

Thank you bean for all the amazing times. I love you now and forever.

yours,
Kai

In case of emergency, please call...

I was talking to a friend about who he puts down as his "in case of emergency...person" and I was surprised who he said. I was thinking that Wendy was the only person that I have ever put down as my "in case of emergency person".

This has got me thinking, about relationships and how they stick with us (both positive and negative) for the rest of our lives. I want to believe that I have got something good to carry with me for any future relationships. I have a feeling this is really happening.

this is enough about this.

On to more important things. So i went to this amazing flea market on Sunday. I am not sure where all these people came from but it was pretty fun. I have been on a hunt for a couple of 'luxury items'. One being a gumball machine. Free standing to put in my kitchen. The second being ANY Keane prints (the ones with the kids with huge eyes from the 50's- 60's) and also a sugar bowl with a top.

I found some pretty cool stuff. Some neckties that are really ugly and i worried they may have fleas. And the people watching was amazing.

I would like to write more, but work is nuts.

cheers,
k