new little bird

3.18.08

Last night I added this bird to my world of tattoos. I think he has a great little perch in the crook of my arm. He is my new traveler. Thinking about it now, the symbolism behind this is ironic.

I am once again growing wings. I am going jump face first into something new. Not really uncharted territories, but new paths. New directions. I feel more ambitious and excited about my life than I have in a very long time.

This winter was a rough one here in the mid west. I am not doing that again. (I know I have said that before) well this time its the truth. I can't. my cat can't. And it's not about just the weather. It's the people and the city. Fact is, i have never lived anywhere so segregated. Even Hawaii has less separation. (even if your not the same color) And I have never met so many racist people (of all colors) in all my life. And they look at me weird when I ask them, "please don't talk like that, I don't appreciate it". Like I am the weirdo. It's madness.

Oregon. When I was there a couple of weeks ago, something had changed for me. My mother and I got along, i sat in a meeting with some people that i love with all my heart, I reconnected with people I want to make bigger parts of my life...and it became very clear that my heart is already there. that i am living in a shell of me right now, and its temporary. So if you run into me and I seem vacant. This is the reason for it.

I am having a hard time feeling like I have stable friends here. I have felt secure before, but as of recent its been strained. A lot of this has to do with me. And how in my mind i have already left. Something weird happened a week or so ago. I went with some good friends to get a tattoo together. Something we had all been talking about for awhile. Long story short, I got the tattoo I will now live with for the rest of my life. But, nobody else got it. And part of my friendship with these people is now damaged. And I am unsure of how to repair that. Friends have always meant more to me than ANY relationship I have ever been in. And I think that has a lot to do with my family dynamic. but maybe more of that later.

Today, I want to be with my mom. I have never felt this way before in my life. I want to be settled and comfortable so at some point I can take care of her. She is getting older and its time to start thinking about this.

I can't write anymore today. more later.

kiowa