I want to learn...

It has been brought to my attention that I am not being the best friend I can be right now. And I am really trying to figure out what I am doing so I can change that.

Sometimes I get consumed with feelings of unhappiness. It takes over my mind, body and soul. I have a ton of issues I have not delt with and its becoming more and more clear that I need to do just that. I am ready and willing. I just need these people who say they care, to come and talk to me. And I will sit and hear them out. I know sometimes its easier to avoid the situation, rather than face it. But, it never goes away. And I would like to know, so i can be aware and face it. Head on. And I know that what my actions have been, its not good. And I want to improve.

I sent a horrible message to someone the other day. I do not consiter this person a friend, but she is a human and an alcoholic (like me) and I feel really bad about it. I don't think she means harm. But, I did exactly that...harmed her. And its a horrible feeling. I would like to make some amends for this wrong, but I am thinking she wont hear it from me. At least not now. And I am not in anyway excusing this behavior. I can only look at what my side is and I DO NOT feel justified doing this. Not in anyway. Even if I have been hurt by her. I am learning. I dont want to be that person that retaliates when hurt.

But, as much as I can say I am aware of my actions...I need to make the changes. And that is the harder part. I am a good person and I have a ton of love for the people in my life. I am having a hard time trusting right now...I know this can change and I will try to still continue to put myself out there. And I may get hurt some more. But the end result is good.

Lastly, I have this friend I talked about a couple posts ago. We are still not talking. And its getting easier. I miss them a ton. But, i gotta know that this is for the best. Even if it makes me horribly sad. I want to have good people in my life and I want to be a good person in other peoples lives. And even though I hurt right now and will for awhile, its all a great learning experience.

I will make it out of this. I will be strong and make good decisions. I am a good person. I want to make changes. I can be happy. I will stop crying. I AM worth it.

k