protecting people

Sometimes it hurts others when you withhold information. I know that people protect people to make it easier for themselves. And people don't tell the whole truth, not because they are liars...but because they don't want to hurt people. But i think if you are living your life with respect and love for others (which includes yourself) then you should be honest with everyone. no?

And what people think should be respected, but your feelings are also valid. I am sad that when somethings are one sided, it always hurts the person who was not feeding themselves. And it hurts me to see people continue to take steps to not hurt people and they are not doing the same for themselves. They cant grow into the people they want to be because they are afraid of making someone else react. It sucks.

And one person in particular who is a blood sucker. She sees people as weak and takes advantage of them. Uses them. Sucks them dry and they keep crawling back. Power used for bad. Its horrible. And then people wonder what happened to them. They never saw it coming.

k

stuff i like for the week.

So I was thinking about stuff i want to have/do/make. And for some reason these three things have come up. I really think i would like to have a single or fixed gear bike. I have a ton of respect for the people that are riding fixies with no breaks. It seems semi-unsafe, but it looks fun. I was riding with my friend jenny the other day and she has a fixie and she was passing me on hills with not even breaking a sweat. It looked like i would like that. :)

Here are things that made me happy this week in no order. The gloves are from a company called knog . This company makes super rad stuff for people who ride bikes. The gloves are expensive, but they are so cute. And they have great lights for yo bike.

Another thing is sometimes i spend time on the smoking gun website
its got a ton of funny shit on it. I could spend two hours reading about what people spend at the jails commissary. This shit could take up all my time. And today i was looking at mug shots of all kids of people. I found my fave. I would like to make a screen of this and put it on a t-shirt?

i love you all.
kai

coffee shops

So as of recent I find myself spending more and more time in coffee shops. Let me go back a second - before I moved to milwaukee in febuary 2003, I had not spent much time in 'coffee shops'. Where I come from you get your coffee and go. Here in mke, people spend time in coffee shops. Hanging out, meeting up, using the "free" internet, and drinking coffee. Lots of it. What I noticed that was very different from oregon, was there are NO drive thru coffee huts here. None. And it fucking snows like you would not believe. So people park (if you can find parking) and get out. And go inside and get coffee. It makes me wonder if more people make coffee at home? Or if they really don't give a shit about getting out of their warm cars to go get coffee. Or another option is that they don't know about drive-thru coffee? Or how rad it is?

Wow, that was a ton on that subject. I know that lora will have something to weigh on this? :)

So here I am waiting for a friend at a coffee shop before a meeting. The only plus is most of the coffee shops in mke, are non-smoking now. Which I like. Nothing like sitting for hours in a smokey room.

That's all I have...I think.
Life is going. I am excited about this kids book I am illustrating. It makes me feel good. I can't wait to cash a check that will complete the great feeling. Relationships are hard, as always. Some are smoother than others and one in particular is going well. And that makes me feel good.

I am getting excited about going to oregon for christmas. I want to see my mom, jenny and jenny's kid Tori. I want to decorate the tree with my mom. I want to spend the day in my pj's and chill with the dogs. And I want to look in the sky and see ALL the stars. Its so peaceful out at my mom's. You take that for granted when you have been living in a busy city. I am ready for the quiet.


Love,
k

b

I woke up again crying today.

I have lost my best friend. Even now when i think i can get some release by writing about it, i find myself with tears rolling down my face. I am still really foggy about what happened. What when horribly wrong. I know that there was a problem with the communication. I know that I did not express what I needed to, in the way that she needed to hear it. I know that my part in it was that I put it on her, instead of it being my feelings. And it hurts. So horribly bad.

We have known each other for 19 years this year. That is the longest I have ever known anyone besides my parents. And more important, she has known me. All of me. When I would lie, cheat and steal she was the only one that knew. I never lied to her. I never stole from her. For many years I trusted her more than I ever trusted myself. And now looking back, I leaned on her for support. I figured she knew me. I could NOT bullshit her. She always told me the "real deal," never some sugar-coated bullshit to make me feel better. She was my sounding board.

And now we are no longer in each others lives. Which in someways seems so ironic to me. I always wanted her to get sober so she could have a better life for her kids, and also so she could understand what I go through as an alcoholic. And then she did get sober. And now just exactly the opposite has happened. She has lumped me in with the rest of her family. She has been taking care of them for years. Always the mother, never the daughter, or sister...and I get how taxing that may be for her. And now she has clarity and is able to say that she is done with that. I feel very much like I got put in with them. Like someone she thinks she needs to take care of, when this whole time I thought we were taking care of each other. I guess that is not the case. And it makes me very sad.

I am going to put down some of the amazing memories I have of our lives together, that I can remember. Some of them just fragments. Because I was intoxicated for most of the years we knew each other.

long talks on the skateboard bed. black zip-up hoddie. long blond hair. a suitcase with everything special in it. huge jeans backwards with lots of rolling rocks in them. the graveyard by school. red tail ale. monkey music (aka faith-no-more). oatmeal. small bottles of wine from the restaurant next door. George. speed. 1401 high street. hiding my money under the toilet seat cover. the key we use to hide under the mat. sub sandwiches till you puke. fugazi. carver Busch. muddy's. mike and what's-his-face. riding the bus with her dad in his painting gear. chesse man park. the whistle we used to find each other. many many letters. photos from Florida. black van with Forrest in a car seat. pink bug. the rickshaw. 22 of mickeys. lots of Friday nights at doc's. jiggles during the day. Terra. going to reggae. $3 brownies. my dad's. Dave's. 21st. birthdays. getting punched in the face. (etc...and we were only 21 at this point.)

See i knew this would make me feel better. I get to keep with me all the good memories.
I wish I had photos to scan. maybe tonight I will go home and look at old photos. It may make me sad, but through the sadness I will grow.

Thank you bean for all the amazing times. I love you now and forever.

yours,
Kai

In case of emergency, please call...

I was talking to a friend about who he puts down as his "in case of emergency...person" and I was surprised who he said. I was thinking that Wendy was the only person that I have ever put down as my "in case of emergency person".

This has got me thinking, about relationships and how they stick with us (both positive and negative) for the rest of our lives. I want to believe that I have got something good to carry with me for any future relationships. I have a feeling this is really happening.

this is enough about this.

On to more important things. So i went to this amazing flea market on Sunday. I am not sure where all these people came from but it was pretty fun. I have been on a hunt for a couple of 'luxury items'. One being a gumball machine. Free standing to put in my kitchen. The second being ANY Keane prints (the ones with the kids with huge eyes from the 50's- 60's) and also a sugar bowl with a top.

I found some pretty cool stuff. Some neckties that are really ugly and i worried they may have fleas. And the people watching was amazing.

I would like to write more, but work is nuts.

cheers,
k

holy shit balls

I just bought the bike of my dreams. I had to show it to everyone last night. I am so so excited to ride everywhere and not have to drive. Its so cute. I feel very comfortable on it. And i am so happy i am going to have friends to ride with. I want to be able to ride it to work. Its about 13 miles. So we will see. But it sure goes fast. I have a helmet.

I had an amazing weekend. It was full of a ton of me hanging with myself. Then Saturday night me and some friends went looking for the bronze fonz, that was recently installed downtown. We were all on bikes. It feels so nice to be out of my car. And with friends really enjoying the city I live in.

And then we played some pool and i rode home with the tunes cranked up and it felt good. I am totally canceling my gym membership today. And i will get it back in the winter. I have been working out with my friend, Nat. And she is totally ok with going outside to work out. And with all the bike riding...i think i will be good.

I sometimes love my life. And friends and new friends. And making myself feel better one little baby step at a time!

xo,
k

forgiveness/ forgetting

So I am going thru a little pain right now. I was trying to be friends with someone, but going about it the wrong way. Our friendship has been strained for a while now and its been nothing short of challenging. And there are many factors. But the main one is this person is not an honest person. They have lied, I have forgiven. Or so i thought.

Do we ever really forgive? Or is it always something that plagues us? Or can we let time heal things and we can forget? Is that really forgiving? I ask myself these questions. Is there ever really forgiveness after you have felt betrayed? I am not sure I have been forgiven when I felt I was in the wrong.

From the place where I get all the good info: Wikipedia

Forgiveness is the process of ceasing to feel resentment, indignation or anger against another person for a perceived offense, difference or mistake, or ceasing to demand punishment or restitution. This definition, however, is subject to much philosophical critique. Forgiveness may be considered simply in terms of the person who forgives, in terms of the person forgiven and/or in terms of the relationship between the forgiver and the person forgiven. In some contexts, it may be granted without any expectation of compensation, and without any response on the part of the offender (for example, one may forgive a person who is dead). In practical terms, it may be necessary for the offender to offer some form of acknowledgment, apology, and/or restitution, or even just ask for forgiveness, in order for the wronged person to believe they are able to forgive.

In Buddhism, forgiveness is seen as a practice to prevent harmful thoughts from causing havoc on one’s mental well-being. Buddhism recognizes that feelings of hatred and ill-will leave a lasting effect on our mind karma. Instead, Buddhism encourages the cultivation of thoughts that leave a wholesome effect. "In contemplating the law of karma, we realize that it is not a matter of seeking revenge but of practicing metta and forgiveness, for the victimizer is, truly, the most unfortunate of all. When resentments have already arisen, the Buddhist view is to calmly proceed to release them by going back to their roots. Buddhism centers on release from delusion and suffering through meditation and receiving insight into the nature of reality. Buddhism questions the reality of the passions that make forgiveness necessary as well as the reality of the objects of those passions. "If we haven’t forgiven, we keep creating an identity around our pain, and that is what is reborn. That is what suffers." Buddhism places much emphasis on the concepts of metta(loving kindness), karuna (compassion), mudita (sympathetic joy), and upekkha (equanimity), as a means to avoiding resentments in the first place.

good stuff.

As far as other things go though...I am working on a small 4Th step and its been a challenge. I have some of the same people from before. I did not pray about it and the resentment stayed with me. I want to be rid of some of this stuff that takes up space in my head. And I don't want to feel bad when I see these people. I want to wipe the slate clean. I want to start over....but it all ties back into the first part of this. Are we really able to forgive?

please tell me?

k

8.8.08

I just realized that today is 8.8.08. and that makes me happy. oh and i saw tbiapb last night. also rad. Its also my friends birthday. also rad. oh and it's Friday. Double rad. This week has been really long. Lots to do and still long.

I need to send my mom and Claire and email and I have been not doing that. I am not sure how to put what i feel into typed words, but for some reason on here I can just start typing and the words come. And even if it doesn't make any sense, it is a release for me.

oh and here is a photo of my dream car. I really want one of these. But not while I live in Wisco!

Today, the weather is great. I am feeling like things are going to change. I am ready for it.

New Beginnings.


Kai

very very disturbing

OK so I went to the State Fair last night. (maybe i should stop now?)

And it's become really sad to me. We got there and parked on some old guys lawn ($7 but, the sexual harassment was free) We had been warned by the local news not to buy tickets from outside vendors so we paid the ($8) to get in. And proceeded to find the worst food to eat, possible. Food consumed : large penis shaped pickles ($5), fried mac and cheese ($5), pork sand which ($9), pork-on-a-stick ($6), corn on the cobb dripping with butter ($3), we all rode the giant slide ($3), we sat and watched the worst band ever (free), decided to walk to the mid-way and along the way pet some really sad looking cows (now i remember why i have not had a burger in years), we all paid $3 to have this guy guess our age, and he got mine totally right. (weird) We then found ourselves in the midway. This is when the weirdness really started happening, after buying the best lemonade ($5) ever, we were walking and some kid was laying on the ground. We thought he was fucking around. As he lifted his head, blood came spraying out. And it was gross. I guess some other kid had hit him and he fell and hit his head. It was pretty nasty. Leaving that scene we watched some of the rides. Holy shit, they so don't look or sound safe. Jenny said she had worked as a Carine and would NEVER ride those rides. So we skipped it, plus the last time I was on the zipper, threw up inside (not cool). As we came around the corner we came upon bobo the clown, WTF? This guy was so nasty. He was paid to make fun of people who walked by so they would buy baseballs to dunk him. He said some horrible things and his laugh was straight horror movie. We had to stand and really take that one in. It was SUPER creepy. I wish i had a photo of him. After I lost $2 in the push the quarters game, we moved on. Around the corner we came upon another clown also as creepy. I have decided I don't like clowns. Especially ones that make fun of people. I think the mic that he was using also added to the creepiness.

OK. now. Little Linda. This is where it gets super sad. The worlds smallest woman. 29 inches high. I could not go in and look, but Liv and jenny did. They talked to her and asked her how she was. I guess she had a couch, side table, cell phone and a CD player. It was $1 to go look at her. These drunk guys came out and showed us her photo. It was sad. Even they said she looked depressed. I thought they should give he some beer. I guess she was funny.

So this got me thinking. World Circus Sideshow was a sideshow owned and operated by "Professor" Samuel Wagner from 1922 to 1941 on Surf Avenue, Coney Island, New York. And has been going on for many many years. People are drawn to the odd. And are willing to pay for it. And as sad as this seems, are we not programmed like this? Or is it something we have learned?

This is what I have learned: The "Single-O" is a single attraction, for example a single curiosity like the "Bonnie and Clyde Death Car" or Hitler's staff car , a "Giant Rat" (actually usually a nutria) or other unusual animal, a "What Is It?" (often a convincing but artificial monstrosity like the Fiji Mermaid) or a geek show often billed as "See the Victim of Drug Abuse." A "Museum Show" which might be deceptively billed as "World's Greatest Freaks Past and Present," is a sideshow in which the exhibits are usually not alive. It might include tanks of piranhas or cages with unusual animals, stuffed freak animals or other exotic items like the weapons or cars allegedly used by famous murderers. Some of the exhibits might even be dummies or photographs of the billed attractions. It could still be truthfully billed with the claim "$1,000 reward if not absolutely real — please do not touch or feed the animals on exhibit".The Single-O and the Museum Show are usually operated as "grind shows," meaning that patrons may enter at any time, viewing the various exhibits at their leisure.

This is what I saw last night. And even though I did not hand my sweaty bill to the guy "handling" her, it was just as sad. In thinking about it...I have a ton of tattoos and sometimes, I feel like the freak. And if i could collect money for that, maybe I would. And maybe not. I have no idea how little Linda lives. And maybe its really good. And maybe not. But, it seems sad. And am I part of that? And why? I realize this is something that has been happening for years. But, does that make it OK? She is a living, breathing person. And deserves to be treated as one?

I am not sure how i feel about this today. After leaving little Linda and the fake snake lady (with her head in a hole on a table) who looked really pissed off. We made our way out of there. Leah and I rode the sky glider back to the other side. Jenny and Liv walked. We shared a funnel cake ($6) and thought that the cream puff area was closed. But it was not. You have to go around the side for walk-up cream puffs. I could not do it. Another time, maybe?

So all in all it was an fun night. A little on the downer side, but fun with the girls.

k

starting now!

so i had a weekend of realizations. And it feels good to know that I have work in front of me to do. And that i am not going to stay this shell of a person anymore. I can forgive and I can be forgiven. I can look into my friends eyes and tell them that they mean the world to me. And really truly mean it. I want to change to be a better person.

I have also come to realize that I was in an abusive friendship for the last three years. And i never thought I would be that girl. And i am not sure how it happened, but talking to my friends this weekend and being told about my behaviors, it has all become so clear. And I am so glad, I don't ever have to be in a friendship like that again. And I can put into the past. I am going to be a little more cautious of that.

I have also seen some really dark sides of people that I love this weekend. I am sorry that people have to make bad choices sometimes, just to learn that they are bad choices. And I hope that by people not walking out of my life, and helping me change - I can do the same for others. Right now it feels a little like I am out on my own island. But, i have a cell phone to talk to the ones that I love. And they are slowly talking me into coming back to the mainland. A slow process, but so very rewarding.

It feels good for me to make changes. I am not scared. When I am down, I can only go up. So i have nothing to be scared of. These people love me and want me to succeed. And I want the same for myself.

thank you
k