ditching cops & people passing

today a very nice man died. his name was steve. he had battled cancer for awhile now. i had seen him smile. i had seen him struggle. and most of all i had seen him stay sober. and he died sober. that is a-fucking-mazing.

last night i went to pick up a friend at the train station. i was going kinda fast over the bridge that leads to my house from downtown. i saw the cop outside of his car, clocking people. i knew i was screwed being the only other person on the bridge. and i pulled a fast one and got off at the next exit. right in front of the cop. i thought i may as well get a ticket off the freeway (nothing like people slowing down to watch you get a ticket...only in wisconsin) and he backed up and i thought for sure he was coming after me. but he just stayed where he was. i was lucky. and being the asshole that i am....i was worried about my car insurance going up. and that is about it.

side notes: my mom sent me this photo from 2002. when we would go to the coast and sit and stare out at the ocean for hours. it was a nice peaceful time together. lots of skip-bo and picking up shells from the beach. i miss oregon. a lot. and the people in it.

work is nuts. and it fills my days. i feel like i am in a slump. my days tend to run together and i feel like i am always looking for 'something fun' and its been hard to find. especially because i am looking for it. not just letting it happen.

thanks steve for all the smiles. you will be missed.

ooo,
k

'good' friday?

So i told you i had Friday off. well this is what happened on Friday (view from my porch). I woke up to a mess outside. i gotta tell you at least the fucking weather channel is accurate. well sorta, they said 5-8 inches. I got over a foot at my house. I really wish you could have seen my yard the day before. I was cleaning it up and hanging out in a wife beater. there was NO SNOW. none. so much for spring. :)

well i shoveled until i could not shovel anymore. my lower back hurt. i made the guy upstairs get up so he could help me dig out a spot for our cars. he was nice about it.

All in all it was a good weekend. fun breakfasts. lots of sleeping. hanging with friends. crappy comedy. a little shopping. some Thai food. a so-so movie. lots of meetings. i think i went to one everyday since wends. and last night i went to two.

my new mantra....praying = no judgments = serenity.

lets see how it works.

kisses.

sunshines

3.20.08

today i woke up feeling good. i think that some things are meant to be. and that i have very little say i what happens. i continue to look for work in Portland and its becoming a less daunting thing. i turned down a job yesterday to work at a newspaper in Kaiser. it too far from where i want to live. and for whatever reason, i knew it was not the right job. so at least i am not acting on desire. i think the right job will come along and it will be at the right time.

funny things. craigslist has given me a ton of joy in the last 5 years. i recently posted an add in the Chicago ride share board for people that were wanting to share a truck to Oregon. I have gotten a lot of strange requests. and some good ones too. some people want me to take them and their pets with me. some have a ton of stuff. some have no stuff. some just want me to take their stuff. its been kind of fun finding out what is going on with people and their lives. but i think that all of this has led to me thinking about just having a pod come to my house, loading it up with stuff i think i may need (for the rest of my life :)) and me and leon hitting the road via the jetta, that i thought i was going to sell. i have a money goal and i am hoping to meet that. and i feel confident by the time my goal is met it will all work out. i am feeling less like "i have to be in Portland, now!" and more like i can do this, when its meant to happen. this has come with a better piece of mind for me. i am less anxious and more calm.

the weather is starting to change. i see buds popping up in the ground, and the desire to clean my yard up is becoming strong. i love the summer. to feel the sun on your skin. to have to eat the Popsicle fast before it melts all over your hand. pool parties. people smiling. bike rides to nowhere. its nice here in the summer.

more random: new fave thing...looking up words in dictionary.com
this has been making me think more and it makes me want to read a ton more.

i have also made some piece with the tattoo on my foot (see last blog) and i think that everything will be just fine. we are complicated human beings and if you cant fall down and have someone tell you that you fell and help you get up then what will you have learned from the fall? maybe you should have tied a double knot in your shoe laces. and that your not invincible. it's ok to say your sorry.

i love rambling and no one has to read this or maybe someone will, really it matters little. i should be going to therapy more often is what it reminds me.

oh and i have tomorrow off for 'good Friday' and what is that exactly? to me its a "good Friday" because i don't have to fucking work. cheers to that.

k

new little bird

3.18.08

Last night I added this bird to my world of tattoos. I think he has a great little perch in the crook of my arm. He is my new traveler. Thinking about it now, the symbolism behind this is ironic.

I am once again growing wings. I am going jump face first into something new. Not really uncharted territories, but new paths. New directions. I feel more ambitious and excited about my life than I have in a very long time.

This winter was a rough one here in the mid west. I am not doing that again. (I know I have said that before) well this time its the truth. I can't. my cat can't. And it's not about just the weather. It's the people and the city. Fact is, i have never lived anywhere so segregated. Even Hawaii has less separation. (even if your not the same color) And I have never met so many racist people (of all colors) in all my life. And they look at me weird when I ask them, "please don't talk like that, I don't appreciate it". Like I am the weirdo. It's madness.

Oregon. When I was there a couple of weeks ago, something had changed for me. My mother and I got along, i sat in a meeting with some people that i love with all my heart, I reconnected with people I want to make bigger parts of my life...and it became very clear that my heart is already there. that i am living in a shell of me right now, and its temporary. So if you run into me and I seem vacant. This is the reason for it.

I am having a hard time feeling like I have stable friends here. I have felt secure before, but as of recent its been strained. A lot of this has to do with me. And how in my mind i have already left. Something weird happened a week or so ago. I went with some good friends to get a tattoo together. Something we had all been talking about for awhile. Long story short, I got the tattoo I will now live with for the rest of my life. But, nobody else got it. And part of my friendship with these people is now damaged. And I am unsure of how to repair that. Friends have always meant more to me than ANY relationship I have ever been in. And I think that has a lot to do with my family dynamic. but maybe more of that later.

Today, I want to be with my mom. I have never felt this way before in my life. I want to be settled and comfortable so at some point I can take care of her. She is getting older and its time to start thinking about this.

I can't write anymore today. more later.

kiowa