pacific ocean

Today I had a chance to go and sit by the ocean. something that my mind had been telling me to do for a very long time. I sat and quieted myself and focused on my breathing and counting my breaths. This is the type of mediation I use to do a couple of years ago and as of recent I had forgotten about, and how it makes me feel totally at ease. I tried to pay attention to the ocean and how that breathing the ocean into me, was filling me full. I let a ton of stuff go. I use to not want to talk about the meditation I would do. seeing it as somehow I was to "new age" or something. and now today I don't really care what people think and am feeling better internally. its nice.

I miss the ocean and as much as i try to replace lake Michigan with it, it will never be the same. hopefully someday I can once again live by the ocean.

It was really nice to just be with my mom and walk along the beach picking up shells and talking about the future, past and present. It was nice to be sitting in silence with her as we do our own thing. She is the one that taught me to meditate and to count the breaths and be mindful. She let me go and sit on the top of the hill and just do my own thing. Knowing that I needed to do that, and that was part of the reason I come to the ocean.

Its funny. I always come back to the same place, year after year. Its like I know where my center is and I choose to live very far from it. And when I feel off, it's because I cant find the center. And its too far away. I find it hard to keep this with me in the in between times when I cant get here. But this is what works for now. Maybe sometime I will let go of my place on the hill on the south jetty in Florence, Oregon. Until then.

christmas travels...[part one]

travels part one (photos coming soon)

23rd. : mke to Houston. Kevin rock gave me a ride to the airport. he is sweet. I had a very long day at work. so it was nice that was one less thing to worry about. i had been kind of stressed out about this trip because it was looking like the snow in pdx was so bad that I may not be able to land. it was making me feel anxious. i already knew i would not be able to get the rental car i had reserved. so i had come to this comfortable place that if my plane was late or not going at all i would be OK with it. so i got to the airport and everything was going smooth. i knew it would be busy flying before Xmas. and it was but everything was good. my plane was a little late in mke which means it would be late getting to Houston. oh well. i saw people helping people all over the place. this couple was on some other airline and continental put them on our plane. and even gave them vouchers for some free drinks. i think that the couple gave her and autographed book. people watching is good in the airport.
oh wait let me back up. i was worried that my bag was going to be overweight (before you make an assumption about how much shit i am bringing - the bag weighs 15 lb.... empty) and i did not want to pay $50 bucks so i put it on the scale and it weighed 48lbs. which means i can't bring anything home, but i am good for now. so late flight, but i had seat IA so i was in the front front. the airline lady gave me two snack packs. thank god for free snacks on continental. and i have a little trick i will share with you now: when your hungry and there is no food being served on the plane. get a Mr. and ms. T's bloody mary mix. it works good to hold you over. that is if you like tomato juice. otherwise you can starve. i remember when we use to get hot food. for free. wtf?

late into Houston. and i did not realize how late. but when we landed it was 9:10 and my plane was boarding at 8:55. so i ran my ass off. and mind you i had to get on the little tram thing and run down some stairs and all the way to the end of one of the terminals. it was a long ways. i saw one of those electric cart things and the guy gave me a ride. and at the gate they had already called my name a bunch. and there were a ton of people wanting to fly standby. and after i got on. there was one more seat. it was very very close. but i got on the plane. which turned out to be the longest 4.5 flight in history. and even "sisterhood of the traveling pants 2" could keep me awake. :) finally we landed in pdx. and i knew there was going to be a chance i would not be able to get on the max seeing that it stops running at 11:30. I went to go look anyways. It was sitting there. so i bought a ticket and hoped for the best. it was 12:45 at this point. i knew i could get off and call a cab. thanks to my trusty blackberry. so i got on. some how my god stepped in an changed the red line into the blue line and it took me to the stop i needed three blocks from Maddie's house. so rad. and i drug my bag through the snow and finally got to her house. its amazing how safe i feel in Portland. not a soul out and i did not feel weird at all. just comfortable and knew i would find my way and get to her house. and i did. Maddie's apt was so cute. her kitty was there and happy. i brushed my teeth and washed the plane off my face and went to bed. it was now close to 2. 4am my time.

24th: i woke this morning and took a shower. it was about 8am. i knew i was close to the ace hotel and the best coffee in the city. and i knew i could chill out there for awhile. which i did. it started snowing as i was walking there. so pretty. big flakes. so i got my small latte and James's 12 oz of Kenya Gaturiri reserve and took a seat on the couch in the lobby of the Ace hotel. (1022 sw. stark ave.) my friend ben capps (from h.s. in mendocino) that i had not seen since i was 14 (that's 19 years ago) met me at Stumptown. we did some catching up and went to meet my friend Sean Finnagan from milwaukee. we got some food. and went to powell's books. and then got my shit from maddies and went to get on the max to get to the train station. i then drug my bag about 8 blocks ( that fucking sucked) and got to the train station covered in sweat. then my bus was late. and now i am on the bus writing this.

I am sure there will be a part two.

kai

jonny b

there are people who come and go from our lives. some of them touch us in a very special way.
this guy Johnny b. touched me. we use to drink together. he was an amazing artist. recently an old friend Dan posted a bunch of old photos of mendo people and there was one of him. i had forgotten how much this guy had been part of my life. he took me and fustin to my very first a.a. meeting. we had been drinking all day. i think he had to be there to get some court stuff signed. we sat in the back. i remember the building but not the faces. today, that seems like many lifetimes ago. i also remember the day i got a phone call from Petra telling me that Johnny had overdosed in Oakland. and the feeling i that came over me. wow. i feel those feelings again as i write this. and the reason i never put a needle in my arm was because of him. thank you for that.

rip jackel.

something that's been bugging me...

Why is that people may not be a size 2 are looked at as bad people. I was thinking about how I was treated when i was super skinny and smoking speed all the time. I think it was better than I am treated now at a size 12/14. And I do it too, I look at overweight people and wonder why they cant just stop eating, don't they know they are killing themselves? I am a healthy person. I don't eat shitty, i try to work out, i only eat until i am full. I don't have a love hate relationship with food. I feel good. Maybe sometimes I smoke a little. Or once in awhile I have a latte instead of black coffee. But, i order for people to give me a shot in this world you have to look the part, even if you have no idea what you are doing. Its sad to me sometimes that we are a sex driven society. It sells, and if you hot and selling it, people will buy it. Its the honest truth. And my ego tells me, to get the things I want in this world I have to starve myself and workout everyday, all day. This is the way I was built. If you look at my family, this is the way they were built. Yeah, I have big boobs and a tummy. I don't mind it most of the time. And as much as starving myself sounds like a good idea to be able to buy skinny jeans...I wont do it.

I have been thinking. maybe a little too much. I am not sure whats going on. I want some security. Is that not what people look for their whole lives? I want to know that I am going to be ok at my job, in my life, in my personal relationships. And sometimes this feels like too much to ask for.

When I think of an ideal situation, for my future. It includes a cute house (that i have put my blood, sweat and money into), a solid work situation, a partner that communicates and loves me. And a relationship with my mother that is based on a solid foundation. My sobriety keeps these things attainable.

I hope that the economic problems that are effecting everyone, change. There are little things I know I take for granted, like having a nice car, being able to go and buy nice things, having items in my life that are disposable, a roof over my head...these are all things that could change at any moment. And I am becoming more and more aware of them. Its a scary scary time. And our new president is aware of this, and will hopefully do something about it. Because something has got to change. No ones jobs are secure. Nothing should be taken for granted. And I am trying very hard not to do that. And also not being so scared that I make myself feel nuts. We are in crisis right now in America and hopefully things will change. I am trying to stay optimistic.

I do know that history has been made and things are going to maybe get worse before they get better. I am hopeful.

xk

protecting people

Sometimes it hurts others when you withhold information. I know that people protect people to make it easier for themselves. And people don't tell the whole truth, not because they are liars...but because they don't want to hurt people. But i think if you are living your life with respect and love for others (which includes yourself) then you should be honest with everyone. no?

And what people think should be respected, but your feelings are also valid. I am sad that when somethings are one sided, it always hurts the person who was not feeding themselves. And it hurts me to see people continue to take steps to not hurt people and they are not doing the same for themselves. They cant grow into the people they want to be because they are afraid of making someone else react. It sucks.

And one person in particular who is a blood sucker. She sees people as weak and takes advantage of them. Uses them. Sucks them dry and they keep crawling back. Power used for bad. Its horrible. And then people wonder what happened to them. They never saw it coming.

k

stuff i like for the week.

So I was thinking about stuff i want to have/do/make. And for some reason these three things have come up. I really think i would like to have a single or fixed gear bike. I have a ton of respect for the people that are riding fixies with no breaks. It seems semi-unsafe, but it looks fun. I was riding with my friend jenny the other day and she has a fixie and she was passing me on hills with not even breaking a sweat. It looked like i would like that. :)

Here are things that made me happy this week in no order. The gloves are from a company called knog . This company makes super rad stuff for people who ride bikes. The gloves are expensive, but they are so cute. And they have great lights for yo bike.

Another thing is sometimes i spend time on the smoking gun website
its got a ton of funny shit on it. I could spend two hours reading about what people spend at the jails commissary. This shit could take up all my time. And today i was looking at mug shots of all kids of people. I found my fave. I would like to make a screen of this and put it on a t-shirt?

i love you all.
kai

coffee shops

So as of recent I find myself spending more and more time in coffee shops. Let me go back a second - before I moved to milwaukee in febuary 2003, I had not spent much time in 'coffee shops'. Where I come from you get your coffee and go. Here in mke, people spend time in coffee shops. Hanging out, meeting up, using the "free" internet, and drinking coffee. Lots of it. What I noticed that was very different from oregon, was there are NO drive thru coffee huts here. None. And it fucking snows like you would not believe. So people park (if you can find parking) and get out. And go inside and get coffee. It makes me wonder if more people make coffee at home? Or if they really don't give a shit about getting out of their warm cars to go get coffee. Or another option is that they don't know about drive-thru coffee? Or how rad it is?

Wow, that was a ton on that subject. I know that lora will have something to weigh on this? :)

So here I am waiting for a friend at a coffee shop before a meeting. The only plus is most of the coffee shops in mke, are non-smoking now. Which I like. Nothing like sitting for hours in a smokey room.

That's all I have...I think.
Life is going. I am excited about this kids book I am illustrating. It makes me feel good. I can't wait to cash a check that will complete the great feeling. Relationships are hard, as always. Some are smoother than others and one in particular is going well. And that makes me feel good.

I am getting excited about going to oregon for christmas. I want to see my mom, jenny and jenny's kid Tori. I want to decorate the tree with my mom. I want to spend the day in my pj's and chill with the dogs. And I want to look in the sky and see ALL the stars. Its so peaceful out at my mom's. You take that for granted when you have been living in a busy city. I am ready for the quiet.


Love,
k

b

I woke up again crying today.

I have lost my best friend. Even now when i think i can get some release by writing about it, i find myself with tears rolling down my face. I am still really foggy about what happened. What when horribly wrong. I know that there was a problem with the communication. I know that I did not express what I needed to, in the way that she needed to hear it. I know that my part in it was that I put it on her, instead of it being my feelings. And it hurts. So horribly bad.

We have known each other for 19 years this year. That is the longest I have ever known anyone besides my parents. And more important, she has known me. All of me. When I would lie, cheat and steal she was the only one that knew. I never lied to her. I never stole from her. For many years I trusted her more than I ever trusted myself. And now looking back, I leaned on her for support. I figured she knew me. I could NOT bullshit her. She always told me the "real deal," never some sugar-coated bullshit to make me feel better. She was my sounding board.

And now we are no longer in each others lives. Which in someways seems so ironic to me. I always wanted her to get sober so she could have a better life for her kids, and also so she could understand what I go through as an alcoholic. And then she did get sober. And now just exactly the opposite has happened. She has lumped me in with the rest of her family. She has been taking care of them for years. Always the mother, never the daughter, or sister...and I get how taxing that may be for her. And now she has clarity and is able to say that she is done with that. I feel very much like I got put in with them. Like someone she thinks she needs to take care of, when this whole time I thought we were taking care of each other. I guess that is not the case. And it makes me very sad.

I am going to put down some of the amazing memories I have of our lives together, that I can remember. Some of them just fragments. Because I was intoxicated for most of the years we knew each other.

long talks on the skateboard bed. black zip-up hoddie. long blond hair. a suitcase with everything special in it. huge jeans backwards with lots of rolling rocks in them. the graveyard by school. red tail ale. monkey music (aka faith-no-more). oatmeal. small bottles of wine from the restaurant next door. George. speed. 1401 high street. hiding my money under the toilet seat cover. the key we use to hide under the mat. sub sandwiches till you puke. fugazi. carver Busch. muddy's. mike and what's-his-face. riding the bus with her dad in his painting gear. chesse man park. the whistle we used to find each other. many many letters. photos from Florida. black van with Forrest in a car seat. pink bug. the rickshaw. 22 of mickeys. lots of Friday nights at doc's. jiggles during the day. Terra. going to reggae. $3 brownies. my dad's. Dave's. 21st. birthdays. getting punched in the face. (etc...and we were only 21 at this point.)

See i knew this would make me feel better. I get to keep with me all the good memories.
I wish I had photos to scan. maybe tonight I will go home and look at old photos. It may make me sad, but through the sadness I will grow.

Thank you bean for all the amazing times. I love you now and forever.

yours,
Kai

In case of emergency, please call...

I was talking to a friend about who he puts down as his "in case of emergency...person" and I was surprised who he said. I was thinking that Wendy was the only person that I have ever put down as my "in case of emergency person".

This has got me thinking, about relationships and how they stick with us (both positive and negative) for the rest of our lives. I want to believe that I have got something good to carry with me for any future relationships. I have a feeling this is really happening.

this is enough about this.

On to more important things. So i went to this amazing flea market on Sunday. I am not sure where all these people came from but it was pretty fun. I have been on a hunt for a couple of 'luxury items'. One being a gumball machine. Free standing to put in my kitchen. The second being ANY Keane prints (the ones with the kids with huge eyes from the 50's- 60's) and also a sugar bowl with a top.

I found some pretty cool stuff. Some neckties that are really ugly and i worried they may have fleas. And the people watching was amazing.

I would like to write more, but work is nuts.

cheers,
k

holy shit balls

I just bought the bike of my dreams. I had to show it to everyone last night. I am so so excited to ride everywhere and not have to drive. Its so cute. I feel very comfortable on it. And i am so happy i am going to have friends to ride with. I want to be able to ride it to work. Its about 13 miles. So we will see. But it sure goes fast. I have a helmet.

I had an amazing weekend. It was full of a ton of me hanging with myself. Then Saturday night me and some friends went looking for the bronze fonz, that was recently installed downtown. We were all on bikes. It feels so nice to be out of my car. And with friends really enjoying the city I live in.

And then we played some pool and i rode home with the tunes cranked up and it felt good. I am totally canceling my gym membership today. And i will get it back in the winter. I have been working out with my friend, Nat. And she is totally ok with going outside to work out. And with all the bike riding...i think i will be good.

I sometimes love my life. And friends and new friends. And making myself feel better one little baby step at a time!

xo,
k

forgiveness/ forgetting

So I am going thru a little pain right now. I was trying to be friends with someone, but going about it the wrong way. Our friendship has been strained for a while now and its been nothing short of challenging. And there are many factors. But the main one is this person is not an honest person. They have lied, I have forgiven. Or so i thought.

Do we ever really forgive? Or is it always something that plagues us? Or can we let time heal things and we can forget? Is that really forgiving? I ask myself these questions. Is there ever really forgiveness after you have felt betrayed? I am not sure I have been forgiven when I felt I was in the wrong.

From the place where I get all the good info: Wikipedia

Forgiveness is the process of ceasing to feel resentment, indignation or anger against another person for a perceived offense, difference or mistake, or ceasing to demand punishment or restitution. This definition, however, is subject to much philosophical critique. Forgiveness may be considered simply in terms of the person who forgives, in terms of the person forgiven and/or in terms of the relationship between the forgiver and the person forgiven. In some contexts, it may be granted without any expectation of compensation, and without any response on the part of the offender (for example, one may forgive a person who is dead). In practical terms, it may be necessary for the offender to offer some form of acknowledgment, apology, and/or restitution, or even just ask for forgiveness, in order for the wronged person to believe they are able to forgive.

In Buddhism, forgiveness is seen as a practice to prevent harmful thoughts from causing havoc on one’s mental well-being. Buddhism recognizes that feelings of hatred and ill-will leave a lasting effect on our mind karma. Instead, Buddhism encourages the cultivation of thoughts that leave a wholesome effect. "In contemplating the law of karma, we realize that it is not a matter of seeking revenge but of practicing metta and forgiveness, for the victimizer is, truly, the most unfortunate of all. When resentments have already arisen, the Buddhist view is to calmly proceed to release them by going back to their roots. Buddhism centers on release from delusion and suffering through meditation and receiving insight into the nature of reality. Buddhism questions the reality of the passions that make forgiveness necessary as well as the reality of the objects of those passions. "If we haven’t forgiven, we keep creating an identity around our pain, and that is what is reborn. That is what suffers." Buddhism places much emphasis on the concepts of metta(loving kindness), karuna (compassion), mudita (sympathetic joy), and upekkha (equanimity), as a means to avoiding resentments in the first place.

good stuff.

As far as other things go though...I am working on a small 4Th step and its been a challenge. I have some of the same people from before. I did not pray about it and the resentment stayed with me. I want to be rid of some of this stuff that takes up space in my head. And I don't want to feel bad when I see these people. I want to wipe the slate clean. I want to start over....but it all ties back into the first part of this. Are we really able to forgive?

please tell me?

k

8.8.08

I just realized that today is 8.8.08. and that makes me happy. oh and i saw tbiapb last night. also rad. Its also my friends birthday. also rad. oh and it's Friday. Double rad. This week has been really long. Lots to do and still long.

I need to send my mom and Claire and email and I have been not doing that. I am not sure how to put what i feel into typed words, but for some reason on here I can just start typing and the words come. And even if it doesn't make any sense, it is a release for me.

oh and here is a photo of my dream car. I really want one of these. But not while I live in Wisco!

Today, the weather is great. I am feeling like things are going to change. I am ready for it.

New Beginnings.


Kai

very very disturbing

OK so I went to the State Fair last night. (maybe i should stop now?)

And it's become really sad to me. We got there and parked on some old guys lawn ($7 but, the sexual harassment was free) We had been warned by the local news not to buy tickets from outside vendors so we paid the ($8) to get in. And proceeded to find the worst food to eat, possible. Food consumed : large penis shaped pickles ($5), fried mac and cheese ($5), pork sand which ($9), pork-on-a-stick ($6), corn on the cobb dripping with butter ($3), we all rode the giant slide ($3), we sat and watched the worst band ever (free), decided to walk to the mid-way and along the way pet some really sad looking cows (now i remember why i have not had a burger in years), we all paid $3 to have this guy guess our age, and he got mine totally right. (weird) We then found ourselves in the midway. This is when the weirdness really started happening, after buying the best lemonade ($5) ever, we were walking and some kid was laying on the ground. We thought he was fucking around. As he lifted his head, blood came spraying out. And it was gross. I guess some other kid had hit him and he fell and hit his head. It was pretty nasty. Leaving that scene we watched some of the rides. Holy shit, they so don't look or sound safe. Jenny said she had worked as a Carine and would NEVER ride those rides. So we skipped it, plus the last time I was on the zipper, threw up inside (not cool). As we came around the corner we came upon bobo the clown, WTF? This guy was so nasty. He was paid to make fun of people who walked by so they would buy baseballs to dunk him. He said some horrible things and his laugh was straight horror movie. We had to stand and really take that one in. It was SUPER creepy. I wish i had a photo of him. After I lost $2 in the push the quarters game, we moved on. Around the corner we came upon another clown also as creepy. I have decided I don't like clowns. Especially ones that make fun of people. I think the mic that he was using also added to the creepiness.

OK. now. Little Linda. This is where it gets super sad. The worlds smallest woman. 29 inches high. I could not go in and look, but Liv and jenny did. They talked to her and asked her how she was. I guess she had a couch, side table, cell phone and a CD player. It was $1 to go look at her. These drunk guys came out and showed us her photo. It was sad. Even they said she looked depressed. I thought they should give he some beer. I guess she was funny.

So this got me thinking. World Circus Sideshow was a sideshow owned and operated by "Professor" Samuel Wagner from 1922 to 1941 on Surf Avenue, Coney Island, New York. And has been going on for many many years. People are drawn to the odd. And are willing to pay for it. And as sad as this seems, are we not programmed like this? Or is it something we have learned?

This is what I have learned: The "Single-O" is a single attraction, for example a single curiosity like the "Bonnie and Clyde Death Car" or Hitler's staff car , a "Giant Rat" (actually usually a nutria) or other unusual animal, a "What Is It?" (often a convincing but artificial monstrosity like the Fiji Mermaid) or a geek show often billed as "See the Victim of Drug Abuse." A "Museum Show" which might be deceptively billed as "World's Greatest Freaks Past and Present," is a sideshow in which the exhibits are usually not alive. It might include tanks of piranhas or cages with unusual animals, stuffed freak animals or other exotic items like the weapons or cars allegedly used by famous murderers. Some of the exhibits might even be dummies or photographs of the billed attractions. It could still be truthfully billed with the claim "$1,000 reward if not absolutely real — please do not touch or feed the animals on exhibit".The Single-O and the Museum Show are usually operated as "grind shows," meaning that patrons may enter at any time, viewing the various exhibits at their leisure.

This is what I saw last night. And even though I did not hand my sweaty bill to the guy "handling" her, it was just as sad. In thinking about it...I have a ton of tattoos and sometimes, I feel like the freak. And if i could collect money for that, maybe I would. And maybe not. I have no idea how little Linda lives. And maybe its really good. And maybe not. But, it seems sad. And am I part of that? And why? I realize this is something that has been happening for years. But, does that make it OK? She is a living, breathing person. And deserves to be treated as one?

I am not sure how i feel about this today. After leaving little Linda and the fake snake lady (with her head in a hole on a table) who looked really pissed off. We made our way out of there. Leah and I rode the sky glider back to the other side. Jenny and Liv walked. We shared a funnel cake ($6) and thought that the cream puff area was closed. But it was not. You have to go around the side for walk-up cream puffs. I could not do it. Another time, maybe?

So all in all it was an fun night. A little on the downer side, but fun with the girls.

k

starting now!

so i had a weekend of realizations. And it feels good to know that I have work in front of me to do. And that i am not going to stay this shell of a person anymore. I can forgive and I can be forgiven. I can look into my friends eyes and tell them that they mean the world to me. And really truly mean it. I want to change to be a better person.

I have also come to realize that I was in an abusive friendship for the last three years. And i never thought I would be that girl. And i am not sure how it happened, but talking to my friends this weekend and being told about my behaviors, it has all become so clear. And I am so glad, I don't ever have to be in a friendship like that again. And I can put into the past. I am going to be a little more cautious of that.

I have also seen some really dark sides of people that I love this weekend. I am sorry that people have to make bad choices sometimes, just to learn that they are bad choices. And I hope that by people not walking out of my life, and helping me change - I can do the same for others. Right now it feels a little like I am out on my own island. But, i have a cell phone to talk to the ones that I love. And they are slowly talking me into coming back to the mainland. A slow process, but so very rewarding.

It feels good for me to make changes. I am not scared. When I am down, I can only go up. So i have nothing to be scared of. These people love me and want me to succeed. And I want the same for myself.

thank you
k

I want to learn...

It has been brought to my attention that I am not being the best friend I can be right now. And I am really trying to figure out what I am doing so I can change that.

Sometimes I get consumed with feelings of unhappiness. It takes over my mind, body and soul. I have a ton of issues I have not delt with and its becoming more and more clear that I need to do just that. I am ready and willing. I just need these people who say they care, to come and talk to me. And I will sit and hear them out. I know sometimes its easier to avoid the situation, rather than face it. But, it never goes away. And I would like to know, so i can be aware and face it. Head on. And I know that what my actions have been, its not good. And I want to improve.

I sent a horrible message to someone the other day. I do not consiter this person a friend, but she is a human and an alcoholic (like me) and I feel really bad about it. I don't think she means harm. But, I did exactly that...harmed her. And its a horrible feeling. I would like to make some amends for this wrong, but I am thinking she wont hear it from me. At least not now. And I am not in anyway excusing this behavior. I can only look at what my side is and I DO NOT feel justified doing this. Not in anyway. Even if I have been hurt by her. I am learning. I dont want to be that person that retaliates when hurt.

But, as much as I can say I am aware of my actions...I need to make the changes. And that is the harder part. I am a good person and I have a ton of love for the people in my life. I am having a hard time trusting right now...I know this can change and I will try to still continue to put myself out there. And I may get hurt some more. But the end result is good.

Lastly, I have this friend I talked about a couple posts ago. We are still not talking. And its getting easier. I miss them a ton. But, i gotta know that this is for the best. Even if it makes me horribly sad. I want to have good people in my life and I want to be a good person in other peoples lives. And even though I hurt right now and will for awhile, its all a great learning experience.

I will make it out of this. I will be strong and make good decisions. I am a good person. I want to make changes. I can be happy. I will stop crying. I AM worth it.

k

Supa fun!

So, I just figured out how to send blogs from my phone. And it makes me pretty giddy. Its even better b/c nobody is reading this!

So I went to see the police and elvis costello last weekend. We had pretty great seats. Here is a photo that kinda sucks, but sting came out on stage when elvis was doing allison. It gave me goosebumps.

Tonight is CSS & Go Team @ Turner hall. I want to go but I don't want to buy a ticket :)

Oh well. I am feeling better. Thanks to everyone for being so rad.

xxx,
Kai

turn it around.

So i know my posts have been kinda on the downer side as of recent. But things may be on the upswing for this girl. I am in a spot now that with the economy the way it is...it may be better to keep my ass in Wisconsin until I find a job in Portland. I have applied to so many i cant keep track of them all anymore. But, i am still hopefull.

I am excited about going to see the Police and Elvis Costello tonight. I have seen Elvis before and it was super fun and the police...who knows. Thank god for craigslist. I got them at a pretty good price and it will be fun. It may rain, but i don't really care.

I feel pretty optimistic today. I have been doing what i need to stay sane. Its been really hard to do anything fun. But at least i feel more settled here now. I am going to keep looking for work in pdx and hopefully someday it will come together. But in the mean time...i am good here. I have been looking for a smaller place with heat included, so we will see. I may end up at the Shore crest. :) which is funny b/c everyone has lived there at some point.

7.28.08

So i had to leave this and start it again this Monday. So busy at work, i cant seem to get it all done. It may take me all day to write this.

I am going to tell a little story. So i had this friend i trusted. I told them things and they told me things, important things, we shared. And I saw this person had so much life in them. We like to do fun stuff and were always laughing. They made me feel at ease. And then today I come to find out that they were lying about something important. They looked me in the eyes, directly in the eyes and told me a lie. I wonder how people can do that. It makes me have little hope in people. Today I feel like only animals can be trusted and even then they may turn on you. But, people are fucked up and my alcoholic friends are even more fucked up. And just when you think you can trust again, someone fucks you over. And i have a feeling this person had been lying to me for awhile. My gut was telling me something was not right, and i pushed it away. I wanted to talk to them about it and they kept telling me bullshit.

So moral of the story? I want to be able to continue to trust people, but today I am leery.

k

33 & deductions

Oh i forgot. i had a birthday last week. it was a super good time. Lots of good food and friends. I may think mke blows, but there are some amazing people here. I sometimes forget that when i am all wrapped up in my own blanket of self shit.

I got a huge speeding ticket and my car got hit by a city bus when i was not in it last weekend. I keep thinking i should sell it. And move to pdx and get a bike and ride the bus. luxuries i have been accustom to. And don't want to give up, even if it keeps costing me money. I just paid the fucking car off and this has to happen. Also if you have progressive...they kinda rock. They came to my work, did an estimate and wrote me a check...right in the parking lot. I was a little afraid to take the check but oh well. that is what i pay for insurance right? whatever. and the damages are $1200. And i had a $1000 deductable. I am so fucking over deductions. Why do we pay insurance health or car and still have to pay after we already paid? I also have co-pays. It makes me feel like i am getting bent over and fucked with something huge. And i still pay b/c that is what we are supposed to do as Americans. its all bullshit. What about some socialized medicine people????

enough of this.

k

just a little stuff i like...

Here are a couple of things i have designed, that i enjoy. I have really liked working with Jake at Quantum Auto. He is a easy and simple guy. He had a concept and ideas, but no ability to put the two together so i did it for him. And he likes it. And i like it. He may build a wind powered car?

This takes me to the next thing I am enjoying. Being around people who are passionate about what they do. Even if its not what they do for $. It makes me so
happy to see people's faces light up when they talk about
things that make feel all stupid inside.
Even if they are talking about their dog.

Another logo i did awhile back that i enjoy, is this one for the green team. Bradley was also really easy to work with, and we created what he wanted. And now it is huge on his truck and trailer. Kinda weird to see something i did that big. But i have gotten more work from it, so that is a plus. And the work slowly comes in. And i am wishing sometimes there was more of it. But, i am patient.

I still love my job a ton and should get back to it. After all they are not paying me to sit here and talk about other work i have done :)

kisses
k

ahhh shit.

life has been trying to get to me. I just know it. fucking shit. I am happy and then all of a sudden it drops a load of poop on me. I am going to be 33 on Thursday. really. its all horse shit. nah, not really but i try to not think to hard about the fact that in seven years I will be 40. ahhh shit.

oh and blogs have been a nightmare. people over sharing. who's right, who's wrong. etc. it's all kinda weird. I am confused and frustrated all at the same time. I like the idea of my friends that i don't always talk to knowing where i am at in my life. And that makes me feel good when i get feedback...which doesn't really happen. And that is why i do it. I don't do it to bash people or make people feel bad. And if i did...and was asked to take it down i would. period.

I am thinking of starting a blog of current design work. And posting it as it is done. Its kinda fun to talk story about the people I have worked with as of recent. And maybe a blog would be a good forum for that? who knows. i did do a logo for my mechanic that i really like. And the crown at the top of this page is from a design i did for james's coffee thingy. I really have been into designing stuff that is something i would like. Something i would put on my wall or wear. I have been having great clients and friend. Its been really nice. And i have been enjoying being more creative. Work sometimes bogs me down and i feel the creative person inside has been put away. And i also would like to be closer to more creative people. I NEED a arts and crafts night. I NEED art shows that might suck but i will go anyways. I NEED to be around like minded people.

Hopefully soon. Please someone say a prayer to the design gods and let them know that i would give up a lot to move and have my dream job at Dark Horse Comics. Really, and seriously.

k

money blows!

I hate being broke. I hate feeling like I am stuck here in Milwaukee. Sometimes i feel trapped. Like i need money to leave. Which i do. But, I also could use what i have saved and hope for the best? I am not going to do it. I have a great job and the money gets put into the bank every two weeks with out fail :)

good note: I paid off my car. Like i own my fucking car. That is totally wild to me. And its a good car. I made all my payments on time or early and never missed one in almost three years. That is a freakin' miracle.

other good note: I have been doing trades with people. I made a logo and some marketing stuff for my mechanic and he is fixing my car. I am doing a card for a nice girl and she will be training me at the gym for a month. Isn't that how things should work? Isn't that how it use to be back in the day? I have something you need and you have something I need. I like it.

other stuff (totally off subject): my father is in the hospital and is having surgery tonight @5pm. And as much as i wish i could be there, i kinda feel like it's better than i am not. I am really working on forgiving him for being such a shitty dad. I think in my own way and time I am forgiving him everyday, a little bit more. I have been writing him a letter for the past three years or so and maybe now is the time to wrap it up and send it. Or maybe i will just read it to my sponsor and burn it and be done. I am not in a position to cause anyone pain, even if i feel hurt by them. I don't want to live the kind of life where retaliating is how i make myself feel better. Its more important for me to done being in pain about a situation and move on. And my father being in the hospital has made me see that it may be time to heal. The pain and hurt is not hurting anyone but me, and i think i don't want to feel it anymore. enough of that.


I thought I had some photos. but i don't. So maybe next time.

chin up,
kai

third time?

So i was really hoping to get this job in Portland and i did not get it because i did not live there. This is the third job that i had a second interview, and got told i would have got the job had i lived in Portland. Its getting old.

So what the fuck do i do? Do i sell everything i have and make the move? Or do it wait it out at my perfectly good job here and see if i can make it a little bit longer without seeing my mom and friends? And living somewhere people don't stare when you walk down the street? And kids don't point. And you don't feel like you are living in the south with all the segregation. Its horrible and maybe living here has made me realize that people are like this...and i should not be ignorant to it. Where i have chose to live in the past has always been comfortable and excepting. And this has been a big change for me. And a good learning experience if nothing else. I think i am going to start staring at fat people. They could do something about it...stop eating. And the people that stare at my tattoos or me are always the fat white trash people. Why is that. Black people are always like, "right on!" and the Hispanics are always hitting on me :) but the white people are scared and take their kids to the other side of the street. Its horrible.

Anyways, i am so not sure what to do? Part of me thinks i should just make the move and hope for the best. And the rational part says don't do it. Stay here till you get a job. But that could be awhile?

help me!

k

i heart grapefruit.

hey everyone.

lets see whats going on? It has been the crazy weather, I have come to expect out of the Midwest. Sunny rad days, then the tornado siren is going off again and then the biggest raindrops I have EVER seen. You never know what to expect. So i don't wash my car and I have had to totally clean out the basement and make everything waterproof.

Other than that everything is moving right along. I am still planning on moving sometime this summer. Hopefully money provided. And I have someone really great in my life. They have been making me feel extra special. Its nice. And I feel at ease right now. I don't feel restless like I have been in the past. I am totally content to sit and read and take a nap if i want. Or not. It has felt good. Work has been really demanding and i am learning a ton. But it takes it out of me sometimes. Damn deadline driven business. :)

I have a new addiction. grapefruit.

yum.

xo,
kai

hail sized raindrops

I have been going through my own set of madness as of recent. I have found that blogging can be very hurtful when people read what you write. I dont think anyone looks at mine so i am free to write whatever i like? I am trying to get my mom to blog. She is an amazing writer and she has plenty to say :)

Today i feel good. not very rested, but good. I have been having difficutlies in relating with people. My friends seem to be irritating and i want to understand people, but it seems a little like i am swimming around in a very small fish bowl and i keep hitting my nose on the side. And things just are not connecting. it's like finding the pieces of the puzzle, but they just look like the right ones. They're not.

And it's been frustrating to have someone talking about you when it's not really me that she is upset with. It's the situation. And i really have thought about this before and how it would effect people and was i willing to take that chance and i have decided "yes". And it was not a malicious thing, it just happened. And i don't feel bad about it. I did NOT do it to hurt someone (who was already hurting before i got anywhere near it) and i think this person IS worth all the bullshit.

I think that some people see me as insensitive to others and i am going to write about something that has been bugging me for awhile now. And for those of you who DO read this please give me feedback.

Ok here is the issue:
marriage. people get married (straight people btw) and they think and truly be live it's the end...or beginning of sharing a life together.

INSERT wikapedia's definition: Marriage is an institution in which interpersonal relationships (usually intimate and sexual) are sanctioned with governmental, social, or religious recognition. It is often created by a contract or through civil processes. Civil marriage is the legal concept of marriage as a governmental institution, in accordance with marriage laws of the land. If recognized by the State, by the religion(s) to which the parties belong and/or by society in general, the act of marriage changes the personal status of the individuals in the eyes of those authorities that recognize it.

People marry for many reasons, but usually one or more of the following: legal, social, and economic stability; the formation of a family unit; procreation and the education and nurturing of children; legitimizing sexual relations; public declaration of love; or to obtain citizenship.

ok so that "is" marriage. In all of its glory. How is it that not everyone can marry? And how is it not just as hard to end a long term relationship and not feel as though you are getting divorced. I come from a family that my parents were NEVER together (sometimes i think it may have been a one-stand ;)) and so i never delt with divorce or how that effects kids. But i also had to deal with two totally different families and values and rules...etc. ok sidetracked...but i have never been married and part of the reason is because i could not get married being in relationships with the same sex. And why is it that straight people say, "it's totally different when you get married and tell everyone, and sign some piece of paper". I am here to tell you my heartache was the same. And I am kinda sick of people telling me that is not the truth. I have been in two long term relationships in the last 33 years and with both of them, i thought that was it...that i did not have to do this again. This was the person i am going to be with for the rest of my life, and would have married had i been able to. So please don't tell me i don't know what it's like to be divorced. Cause i do.

I am tired of people talking about other people's business. It really shows that people have nothing better to do. And as far as people posting things "to help other people" sure that's a great idea if you don't hurt others in the process. And others have been hurt by her words. I feel pretty resilient about it. And if i know there is going to be something written about myself that i don't think is accurate then i wont read it, anymore. And then in turn i don't need to respond which just fuels the fire. And i think this person feeds on that. Plus she likes to be the center of attention. What i don't get is the donate button at the end of the blog. I am confused why she always has her hand out. I go to work everyday to pay my bills, why should i give someone who is fully able to work money? just a question.

done for the day. here is a photo of my new toy. i am a very lucky girl.

ooo,
k

oh my...

So there is someone that has been over sharing. And I feel the need to get my side of the story out there now so that I can feel OK. I was beat down in a blog this morning. And it made me feel like people should keep things to them self’s or to the people close to them other than sharing them with the world. Something this person has done a lot of...

So here is my response to this. And i may also over share but, nobody reads my bullshit. so it's OK. :) And i gotta get this out. It's eating me up inside. I am really working on not telling someone right away how i feel.

Sometimes people get into relationships based on liking one another. And other times they may get into them out of convenience and stay in them out of convenience. And this is called settling.

I have been in both. And right now I am wanting to start a relationship with someone based on trust and the equality between the two of us. This person is great. They make me very happy. They have come from a really crappy relationship where they were not treated as an equal or I would go so far as to say they were someone’s punching bag. They were dumped on and used. And now they are just looking to be held and loved. And maybe I am not that person? But right now this person needs to be loved and nurtured. No more dumping shit on them. And the thing is I so don't want to be this person's everything and nor am I going to make them my everything. It's very unhealthy. I love spending time with them, but I will not make them my world. It's not smart. And as far as I see it something that kills the relationship.

The argument is that I am doing something TO this person's ex. I am not doing anything. They are in pain because of decisions they have made and are feeling sorry for them self’s. (Something they have ALWAYS done) It's getting old. And I am not going to be the reason for the pain. Its only b/c she doesn't want to look at the fact that it's over and this person is moving on. And just maybe they might be in a happy, equal relationship with someone who holds them in the highest regards.

I have spoke at length with this person and they agree, we are taking it slow. Trying our best to not repeat patterns. And being very aware of what is going on at all times. And that means having total open communication. And maybe it was not the most convenient time for this to happen, but this person has been out of this relationship for along time and it is time to move on.

Me and this person's ex were never close. She is a user and a taker. She sucks people dry and then wonders why she is so sad and friendless. And the sad thing is that I think she does not even know she is doing it. I remember one of the first times we hung out. We all went out to dinner and she orders all this food and was like "I don't have any money" and we all had to pay. And it was always like this. She is a depressed person who is always looking for a handout. Like she is entitled to it. Like we owe her. And I am no longer going to keep quiet about it. I think she preys on people she sees as weak. Like her ex for example. this person is great and was so willing to take all her shit, that they is now a shell of themselves. And its exciting and fun to see this other person being revealed. A great person that is learning themselves.

I have no problem walking away, if I knew it would hurt this persons sobriety or the work they was doing. They mean a lot to me, but its more important for them to have these other things.

I realize there is an unspoken code to not date your friends exes. But this person was someone I knew not someone that I was really friends with. She knows little about me because I wanted to steer clear of people who are takers. And that being said, I like this person and regardless of what happens we will be friends.

Kai

times a changin'

Well here we go again...everything is changing.

I gotta talk about this friend of mine. We were close. He and I did a ton of fun stuff together. But, all my friends said that he did not treat me very well. And that maybe it would be better if i was not friends with him. He is kinda like the male version of me. I wanted so bad to see the good side. Its not so much that i wanted him to change, but he was changing. And i saw it. And sometimes he was so nice and other times he was mean and angry. You never knew what you were going to get. And it made it very hard to be close with him. Plus he had a bad taste in his mouth for women. And he did not treat them very well. If you were a guy you got respect, if you were a girl...you got the short end of the stick.I took him to meet my family. My friends. I took him to my home state. I introduced him to my world. He still treated me like shit.

Well now he has a new gf and doesn't want to be my friend anymore. All the shit i put up with and he has decided that it is not ok to be friends. Its pretty sad. It hurts me. Everyone i have talked to has been like....move the fuck on. And i am thinking this is a good idea. I really really wish he had not moved to portland...but what can i do. He lives there and i will be living there soon. And its a big enough city for us both.

So goodbye my asshole friend. Time to make new and better friends that can show me once again what its like to have people in your life that matter.

Thank you to all the people who have listened to me bitch about this for the last 3 years. I love you all. Its over now. :)

kai

americano's and messed up song's

hey.

So maybe i am not as good as i thought with this blog thing. I want to write and then I get side-tracked. And it never happens.
Lets see whats going on?
•I saw Tegan and Sara last night...so fun. we had great seats and they played all the songs I love. And they even screwed up a song and it was cute. I have a feeling fame will never mess with them. They are real people getting paid to do what they love and OMG! do the lesbians love them. I swear none of those girls live here. :)

•a couple of weeks ago I saw a band that I had been wanting to see for awhile...357 string band. They were amazing. It was so so so much fun. Great crowd of ALL kinds of people. Guys with brewers hats and people with mohawks.

•Last Friday I went to Chicago and saw Kate Nash...who btw is so cute. And has a huge ass. (which i enjoyed) and we stayed at this super posh hotel in downtown. It was funny the looks we got showing up there in wifebeaters with tattoos all showing. The room was nice and the shower was amazing. It was a fun night, we walked many miles and i got blisters. Totally worth it. Fun, fun, fun.

•Work has been nuts. I am learning so much new stuff all the time. Its good and good.

•I am back in the gym. It feels good. I am happy when it hurts like that. It makes me feel more alive, and the sunshine outside helps too. I love to ride my bike there and feel the cool air on my hot skin as I ride the couple of blocks home.

•Summertime in milwaukee is fun. I have already been bbq'ing and the yard needs to get mowed today after the gym. I keep telling myself this. I WILL do it today :)

•I have some frustration with the moving/ work situation. The person I thought I may stay with until i find a place, is no longer in my life. And as much as it makes me sad, its most likely for the best. It was a toxic relationship and I feel better. It is scary to not know where you are going to stay and where you are going to work and all the what if's that happen. But I know I will be ok, I always am. And I know that I have people who love and support me. And that is a nice feeling. Plus, it's really hard to find a job from this far away. It's been frustrating to see jobs I am totally qualified for and not hear anything because I don't have live there. But i will keep trying. And until then i will not be quitting my current job. :)

•I just got off the phone with my bff claire, she makes me feel at ease. She and I have known each other going on 19 years this year. weird. And she has seen all of me. And its nice to have someone like that. We are so much more adult now than we were (that makes me giggle) and we are talking about adult things...seems weird. When we met I was 14 and she was 15. A strange time in both of our lives. Now her kid is 14 and that is even weirder. I talked to him on the phone the other night...it made me feel old. He is a good kid and hopefully he will not make some of the same decisions that b and i did at his age? But, who knows. He wants to go to Georgia Tech. And he knows he may not get in yet he has his heart set on it. And it's nice to see.
I love my family.

And i think i am done. I have a friend that is way into coffee and he has been teaching me things about coffee that i never knew. Maybe someday i will let go of the cream and sweetness? But until then, i will have a XL quad americano with room.

kisses,
k

wishing on a star

once again today, i woke up with this horrible ache. in my stomach. it feels like something is wrong, far away. something i have no control over.

I am working on living in the present today. I really try to not think about tomorrow. Unless its something stupid (Dr. apt...shows...etc.) and I really want to be in the moment even. Its really hard to do. I have been turning it over all day and its only 11:28.

I feel great waves of loss today. I am not sure what is going on. Besides the people that i really care about and know me, are far away. And for some reason i cant seem to pick up the fucking phone.

oh an i hate the bank. they just charged me $36.00 x6 for over draft charges. So that means i am super broke again. I feel like i am spinning in this 730-4 wheel. I make just enough to cover my car payments and my rent and i cant go by a fucking pair of shoes if i wanted. How do people make it in this world sometimes? I work so i can have money to buy gas to go to work. nothing is fun anymore. I am in a shit hole.

thanks for listening.
no pretty pictures this day.

k

Origami

Today i have gone Origami crazy. I have this calendar that is a new Origami everyday and I keep skipping ahead to the next week and doing them all in one day. my desk looks like a Japanese doll threw up! maybe i will attach photos. it has spread through the building and everyone has some kind of pastel Origami on their desk. its freaking out of hand.

So i am not sure what happened, but myspace is now allowing me to post photos. which is weird b/c i have not been able to for like 2 years now. So there are new photos up. lots of me with my mustache. good times.

whats new. well i am super excited to go see Vampire Weekend on sat. And lets see....well maybe soon it will be summer. I am thinking about leaving wisco even if i don't have a job by the end of the summer. I will have saved "x" amount of money and it will be time to go. I think that the thought of it makes me happy. I need to recharge my creative battery and i am not doing it buried under 10 feet of snow here in the frozen tundra. And be around like-minded people. People that are doing things...not just talking about doing things.

I am also excited about getting rid of stuff and starting over. Its all just stuff...and i collect stuff. I have a hard time throwing things out. mainly paper. maybe i should buy a paper shredder. That may help...or i may end up saving the paper shreds for a rainy day pinata project....knowing me. Its craziness. I need i have to keep bullshit. Its time to get rid of and make room for the new crap that is going to enter my life. I feel so jealous of people that don't have to have stuff. That feel free living out of a backpack and are totally fine with it. I think it would be a huge release for me to do that. I think i am bound to my stuff and its making me feel crazy. So soon i will post a list of stuff that i am getting rid of...and you guys can tell me if you want any of it. :)


cheers
kiowa

ditching cops & people passing

today a very nice man died. his name was steve. he had battled cancer for awhile now. i had seen him smile. i had seen him struggle. and most of all i had seen him stay sober. and he died sober. that is a-fucking-mazing.

last night i went to pick up a friend at the train station. i was going kinda fast over the bridge that leads to my house from downtown. i saw the cop outside of his car, clocking people. i knew i was screwed being the only other person on the bridge. and i pulled a fast one and got off at the next exit. right in front of the cop. i thought i may as well get a ticket off the freeway (nothing like people slowing down to watch you get a ticket...only in wisconsin) and he backed up and i thought for sure he was coming after me. but he just stayed where he was. i was lucky. and being the asshole that i am....i was worried about my car insurance going up. and that is about it.

side notes: my mom sent me this photo from 2002. when we would go to the coast and sit and stare out at the ocean for hours. it was a nice peaceful time together. lots of skip-bo and picking up shells from the beach. i miss oregon. a lot. and the people in it.

work is nuts. and it fills my days. i feel like i am in a slump. my days tend to run together and i feel like i am always looking for 'something fun' and its been hard to find. especially because i am looking for it. not just letting it happen.

thanks steve for all the smiles. you will be missed.

ooo,
k

'good' friday?

So i told you i had Friday off. well this is what happened on Friday (view from my porch). I woke up to a mess outside. i gotta tell you at least the fucking weather channel is accurate. well sorta, they said 5-8 inches. I got over a foot at my house. I really wish you could have seen my yard the day before. I was cleaning it up and hanging out in a wife beater. there was NO SNOW. none. so much for spring. :)

well i shoveled until i could not shovel anymore. my lower back hurt. i made the guy upstairs get up so he could help me dig out a spot for our cars. he was nice about it.

All in all it was a good weekend. fun breakfasts. lots of sleeping. hanging with friends. crappy comedy. a little shopping. some Thai food. a so-so movie. lots of meetings. i think i went to one everyday since wends. and last night i went to two.

my new mantra....praying = no judgments = serenity.

lets see how it works.

kisses.

sunshines

3.20.08

today i woke up feeling good. i think that some things are meant to be. and that i have very little say i what happens. i continue to look for work in Portland and its becoming a less daunting thing. i turned down a job yesterday to work at a newspaper in Kaiser. it too far from where i want to live. and for whatever reason, i knew it was not the right job. so at least i am not acting on desire. i think the right job will come along and it will be at the right time.

funny things. craigslist has given me a ton of joy in the last 5 years. i recently posted an add in the Chicago ride share board for people that were wanting to share a truck to Oregon. I have gotten a lot of strange requests. and some good ones too. some people want me to take them and their pets with me. some have a ton of stuff. some have no stuff. some just want me to take their stuff. its been kind of fun finding out what is going on with people and their lives. but i think that all of this has led to me thinking about just having a pod come to my house, loading it up with stuff i think i may need (for the rest of my life :)) and me and leon hitting the road via the jetta, that i thought i was going to sell. i have a money goal and i am hoping to meet that. and i feel confident by the time my goal is met it will all work out. i am feeling less like "i have to be in Portland, now!" and more like i can do this, when its meant to happen. this has come with a better piece of mind for me. i am less anxious and more calm.

the weather is starting to change. i see buds popping up in the ground, and the desire to clean my yard up is becoming strong. i love the summer. to feel the sun on your skin. to have to eat the Popsicle fast before it melts all over your hand. pool parties. people smiling. bike rides to nowhere. its nice here in the summer.

more random: new fave thing...looking up words in dictionary.com
this has been making me think more and it makes me want to read a ton more.

i have also made some piece with the tattoo on my foot (see last blog) and i think that everything will be just fine. we are complicated human beings and if you cant fall down and have someone tell you that you fell and help you get up then what will you have learned from the fall? maybe you should have tied a double knot in your shoe laces. and that your not invincible. it's ok to say your sorry.

i love rambling and no one has to read this or maybe someone will, really it matters little. i should be going to therapy more often is what it reminds me.

oh and i have tomorrow off for 'good Friday' and what is that exactly? to me its a "good Friday" because i don't have to fucking work. cheers to that.

k

new little bird

3.18.08

Last night I added this bird to my world of tattoos. I think he has a great little perch in the crook of my arm. He is my new traveler. Thinking about it now, the symbolism behind this is ironic.

I am once again growing wings. I am going jump face first into something new. Not really uncharted territories, but new paths. New directions. I feel more ambitious and excited about my life than I have in a very long time.

This winter was a rough one here in the mid west. I am not doing that again. (I know I have said that before) well this time its the truth. I can't. my cat can't. And it's not about just the weather. It's the people and the city. Fact is, i have never lived anywhere so segregated. Even Hawaii has less separation. (even if your not the same color) And I have never met so many racist people (of all colors) in all my life. And they look at me weird when I ask them, "please don't talk like that, I don't appreciate it". Like I am the weirdo. It's madness.

Oregon. When I was there a couple of weeks ago, something had changed for me. My mother and I got along, i sat in a meeting with some people that i love with all my heart, I reconnected with people I want to make bigger parts of my life...and it became very clear that my heart is already there. that i am living in a shell of me right now, and its temporary. So if you run into me and I seem vacant. This is the reason for it.

I am having a hard time feeling like I have stable friends here. I have felt secure before, but as of recent its been strained. A lot of this has to do with me. And how in my mind i have already left. Something weird happened a week or so ago. I went with some good friends to get a tattoo together. Something we had all been talking about for awhile. Long story short, I got the tattoo I will now live with for the rest of my life. But, nobody else got it. And part of my friendship with these people is now damaged. And I am unsure of how to repair that. Friends have always meant more to me than ANY relationship I have ever been in. And I think that has a lot to do with my family dynamic. but maybe more of that later.

Today, I want to be with my mom. I have never felt this way before in my life. I want to be settled and comfortable so at some point I can take care of her. She is getting older and its time to start thinking about this.

I can't write anymore today. more later.

kiowa