pacific ocean

Today I had a chance to go and sit by the ocean. something that my mind had been telling me to do for a very long time. I sat and quieted myself and focused on my breathing and counting my breaths. This is the type of mediation I use to do a couple of years ago and as of recent I had forgotten about, and how it makes me feel totally at ease. I tried to pay attention to the ocean and how that breathing the ocean into me, was filling me full. I let a ton of stuff go. I use to not want to talk about the meditation I would do. seeing it as somehow I was to "new age" or something. and now today I don't really care what people think and am feeling better internally. its nice.

I miss the ocean and as much as i try to replace lake Michigan with it, it will never be the same. hopefully someday I can once again live by the ocean.

It was really nice to just be with my mom and walk along the beach picking up shells and talking about the future, past and present. It was nice to be sitting in silence with her as we do our own thing. She is the one that taught me to meditate and to count the breaths and be mindful. She let me go and sit on the top of the hill and just do my own thing. Knowing that I needed to do that, and that was part of the reason I come to the ocean.

Its funny. I always come back to the same place, year after year. Its like I know where my center is and I choose to live very far from it. And when I feel off, it's because I cant find the center. And its too far away. I find it hard to keep this with me in the in between times when I cant get here. But this is what works for now. Maybe sometime I will let go of my place on the hill on the south jetty in Florence, Oregon. Until then.

christmas travels...[part one]

travels part one (photos coming soon)

23rd. : mke to Houston. Kevin rock gave me a ride to the airport. he is sweet. I had a very long day at work. so it was nice that was one less thing to worry about. i had been kind of stressed out about this trip because it was looking like the snow in pdx was so bad that I may not be able to land. it was making me feel anxious. i already knew i would not be able to get the rental car i had reserved. so i had come to this comfortable place that if my plane was late or not going at all i would be OK with it. so i got to the airport and everything was going smooth. i knew it would be busy flying before Xmas. and it was but everything was good. my plane was a little late in mke which means it would be late getting to Houston. oh well. i saw people helping people all over the place. this couple was on some other airline and continental put them on our plane. and even gave them vouchers for some free drinks. i think that the couple gave her and autographed book. people watching is good in the airport.
oh wait let me back up. i was worried that my bag was going to be overweight (before you make an assumption about how much shit i am bringing - the bag weighs 15 lb.... empty) and i did not want to pay $50 bucks so i put it on the scale and it weighed 48lbs. which means i can't bring anything home, but i am good for now. so late flight, but i had seat IA so i was in the front front. the airline lady gave me two snack packs. thank god for free snacks on continental. and i have a little trick i will share with you now: when your hungry and there is no food being served on the plane. get a Mr. and ms. T's bloody mary mix. it works good to hold you over. that is if you like tomato juice. otherwise you can starve. i remember when we use to get hot food. for free. wtf?

late into Houston. and i did not realize how late. but when we landed it was 9:10 and my plane was boarding at 8:55. so i ran my ass off. and mind you i had to get on the little tram thing and run down some stairs and all the way to the end of one of the terminals. it was a long ways. i saw one of those electric cart things and the guy gave me a ride. and at the gate they had already called my name a bunch. and there were a ton of people wanting to fly standby. and after i got on. there was one more seat. it was very very close. but i got on the plane. which turned out to be the longest 4.5 flight in history. and even "sisterhood of the traveling pants 2" could keep me awake. :) finally we landed in pdx. and i knew there was going to be a chance i would not be able to get on the max seeing that it stops running at 11:30. I went to go look anyways. It was sitting there. so i bought a ticket and hoped for the best. it was 12:45 at this point. i knew i could get off and call a cab. thanks to my trusty blackberry. so i got on. some how my god stepped in an changed the red line into the blue line and it took me to the stop i needed three blocks from Maddie's house. so rad. and i drug my bag through the snow and finally got to her house. its amazing how safe i feel in Portland. not a soul out and i did not feel weird at all. just comfortable and knew i would find my way and get to her house. and i did. Maddie's apt was so cute. her kitty was there and happy. i brushed my teeth and washed the plane off my face and went to bed. it was now close to 2. 4am my time.

24th: i woke this morning and took a shower. it was about 8am. i knew i was close to the ace hotel and the best coffee in the city. and i knew i could chill out there for awhile. which i did. it started snowing as i was walking there. so pretty. big flakes. so i got my small latte and James's 12 oz of Kenya Gaturiri reserve and took a seat on the couch in the lobby of the Ace hotel. (1022 sw. stark ave.) my friend ben capps (from h.s. in mendocino) that i had not seen since i was 14 (that's 19 years ago) met me at Stumptown. we did some catching up and went to meet my friend Sean Finnagan from milwaukee. we got some food. and went to powell's books. and then got my shit from maddies and went to get on the max to get to the train station. i then drug my bag about 8 blocks ( that fucking sucked) and got to the train station covered in sweat. then my bus was late. and now i am on the bus writing this.

I am sure there will be a part two.

kai

jonny b

there are people who come and go from our lives. some of them touch us in a very special way.
this guy Johnny b. touched me. we use to drink together. he was an amazing artist. recently an old friend Dan posted a bunch of old photos of mendo people and there was one of him. i had forgotten how much this guy had been part of my life. he took me and fustin to my very first a.a. meeting. we had been drinking all day. i think he had to be there to get some court stuff signed. we sat in the back. i remember the building but not the faces. today, that seems like many lifetimes ago. i also remember the day i got a phone call from Petra telling me that Johnny had overdosed in Oakland. and the feeling i that came over me. wow. i feel those feelings again as i write this. and the reason i never put a needle in my arm was because of him. thank you for that.

rip jackel.