holy shit balls

I just bought the bike of my dreams. I had to show it to everyone last night. I am so so excited to ride everywhere and not have to drive. Its so cute. I feel very comfortable on it. And i am so happy i am going to have friends to ride with. I want to be able to ride it to work. Its about 13 miles. So we will see. But it sure goes fast. I have a helmet.

I had an amazing weekend. It was full of a ton of me hanging with myself. Then Saturday night me and some friends went looking for the bronze fonz, that was recently installed downtown. We were all on bikes. It feels so nice to be out of my car. And with friends really enjoying the city I live in.

And then we played some pool and i rode home with the tunes cranked up and it felt good. I am totally canceling my gym membership today. And i will get it back in the winter. I have been working out with my friend, Nat. And she is totally ok with going outside to work out. And with all the bike riding...i think i will be good.

I sometimes love my life. And friends and new friends. And making myself feel better one little baby step at a time!

xo,
k

forgiveness/ forgetting

So I am going thru a little pain right now. I was trying to be friends with someone, but going about it the wrong way. Our friendship has been strained for a while now and its been nothing short of challenging. And there are many factors. But the main one is this person is not an honest person. They have lied, I have forgiven. Or so i thought.

Do we ever really forgive? Or is it always something that plagues us? Or can we let time heal things and we can forget? Is that really forgiving? I ask myself these questions. Is there ever really forgiveness after you have felt betrayed? I am not sure I have been forgiven when I felt I was in the wrong.

From the place where I get all the good info: Wikipedia

Forgiveness is the process of ceasing to feel resentment, indignation or anger against another person for a perceived offense, difference or mistake, or ceasing to demand punishment or restitution. This definition, however, is subject to much philosophical critique. Forgiveness may be considered simply in terms of the person who forgives, in terms of the person forgiven and/or in terms of the relationship between the forgiver and the person forgiven. In some contexts, it may be granted without any expectation of compensation, and without any response on the part of the offender (for example, one may forgive a person who is dead). In practical terms, it may be necessary for the offender to offer some form of acknowledgment, apology, and/or restitution, or even just ask for forgiveness, in order for the wronged person to believe they are able to forgive.

In Buddhism, forgiveness is seen as a practice to prevent harmful thoughts from causing havoc on one’s mental well-being. Buddhism recognizes that feelings of hatred and ill-will leave a lasting effect on our mind karma. Instead, Buddhism encourages the cultivation of thoughts that leave a wholesome effect. "In contemplating the law of karma, we realize that it is not a matter of seeking revenge but of practicing metta and forgiveness, for the victimizer is, truly, the most unfortunate of all. When resentments have already arisen, the Buddhist view is to calmly proceed to release them by going back to their roots. Buddhism centers on release from delusion and suffering through meditation and receiving insight into the nature of reality. Buddhism questions the reality of the passions that make forgiveness necessary as well as the reality of the objects of those passions. "If we haven’t forgiven, we keep creating an identity around our pain, and that is what is reborn. That is what suffers." Buddhism places much emphasis on the concepts of metta(loving kindness), karuna (compassion), mudita (sympathetic joy), and upekkha (equanimity), as a means to avoiding resentments in the first place.

good stuff.

As far as other things go though...I am working on a small 4Th step and its been a challenge. I have some of the same people from before. I did not pray about it and the resentment stayed with me. I want to be rid of some of this stuff that takes up space in my head. And I don't want to feel bad when I see these people. I want to wipe the slate clean. I want to start over....but it all ties back into the first part of this. Are we really able to forgive?

please tell me?

k

8.8.08

I just realized that today is 8.8.08. and that makes me happy. oh and i saw tbiapb last night. also rad. Its also my friends birthday. also rad. oh and it's Friday. Double rad. This week has been really long. Lots to do and still long.

I need to send my mom and Claire and email and I have been not doing that. I am not sure how to put what i feel into typed words, but for some reason on here I can just start typing and the words come. And even if it doesn't make any sense, it is a release for me.

oh and here is a photo of my dream car. I really want one of these. But not while I live in Wisco!

Today, the weather is great. I am feeling like things are going to change. I am ready for it.

New Beginnings.


Kai

very very disturbing

OK so I went to the State Fair last night. (maybe i should stop now?)

And it's become really sad to me. We got there and parked on some old guys lawn ($7 but, the sexual harassment was free) We had been warned by the local news not to buy tickets from outside vendors so we paid the ($8) to get in. And proceeded to find the worst food to eat, possible. Food consumed : large penis shaped pickles ($5), fried mac and cheese ($5), pork sand which ($9), pork-on-a-stick ($6), corn on the cobb dripping with butter ($3), we all rode the giant slide ($3), we sat and watched the worst band ever (free), decided to walk to the mid-way and along the way pet some really sad looking cows (now i remember why i have not had a burger in years), we all paid $3 to have this guy guess our age, and he got mine totally right. (weird) We then found ourselves in the midway. This is when the weirdness really started happening, after buying the best lemonade ($5) ever, we were walking and some kid was laying on the ground. We thought he was fucking around. As he lifted his head, blood came spraying out. And it was gross. I guess some other kid had hit him and he fell and hit his head. It was pretty nasty. Leaving that scene we watched some of the rides. Holy shit, they so don't look or sound safe. Jenny said she had worked as a Carine and would NEVER ride those rides. So we skipped it, plus the last time I was on the zipper, threw up inside (not cool). As we came around the corner we came upon bobo the clown, WTF? This guy was so nasty. He was paid to make fun of people who walked by so they would buy baseballs to dunk him. He said some horrible things and his laugh was straight horror movie. We had to stand and really take that one in. It was SUPER creepy. I wish i had a photo of him. After I lost $2 in the push the quarters game, we moved on. Around the corner we came upon another clown also as creepy. I have decided I don't like clowns. Especially ones that make fun of people. I think the mic that he was using also added to the creepiness.

OK. now. Little Linda. This is where it gets super sad. The worlds smallest woman. 29 inches high. I could not go in and look, but Liv and jenny did. They talked to her and asked her how she was. I guess she had a couch, side table, cell phone and a CD player. It was $1 to go look at her. These drunk guys came out and showed us her photo. It was sad. Even they said she looked depressed. I thought they should give he some beer. I guess she was funny.

So this got me thinking. World Circus Sideshow was a sideshow owned and operated by "Professor" Samuel Wagner from 1922 to 1941 on Surf Avenue, Coney Island, New York. And has been going on for many many years. People are drawn to the odd. And are willing to pay for it. And as sad as this seems, are we not programmed like this? Or is it something we have learned?

This is what I have learned: The "Single-O" is a single attraction, for example a single curiosity like the "Bonnie and Clyde Death Car" or Hitler's staff car , a "Giant Rat" (actually usually a nutria) or other unusual animal, a "What Is It?" (often a convincing but artificial monstrosity like the Fiji Mermaid) or a geek show often billed as "See the Victim of Drug Abuse." A "Museum Show" which might be deceptively billed as "World's Greatest Freaks Past and Present," is a sideshow in which the exhibits are usually not alive. It might include tanks of piranhas or cages with unusual animals, stuffed freak animals or other exotic items like the weapons or cars allegedly used by famous murderers. Some of the exhibits might even be dummies or photographs of the billed attractions. It could still be truthfully billed with the claim "$1,000 reward if not absolutely real — please do not touch or feed the animals on exhibit".The Single-O and the Museum Show are usually operated as "grind shows," meaning that patrons may enter at any time, viewing the various exhibits at their leisure.

This is what I saw last night. And even though I did not hand my sweaty bill to the guy "handling" her, it was just as sad. In thinking about it...I have a ton of tattoos and sometimes, I feel like the freak. And if i could collect money for that, maybe I would. And maybe not. I have no idea how little Linda lives. And maybe its really good. And maybe not. But, it seems sad. And am I part of that? And why? I realize this is something that has been happening for years. But, does that make it OK? She is a living, breathing person. And deserves to be treated as one?

I am not sure how i feel about this today. After leaving little Linda and the fake snake lady (with her head in a hole on a table) who looked really pissed off. We made our way out of there. Leah and I rode the sky glider back to the other side. Jenny and Liv walked. We shared a funnel cake ($6) and thought that the cream puff area was closed. But it was not. You have to go around the side for walk-up cream puffs. I could not do it. Another time, maybe?

So all in all it was an fun night. A little on the downer side, but fun with the girls.

k

starting now!

so i had a weekend of realizations. And it feels good to know that I have work in front of me to do. And that i am not going to stay this shell of a person anymore. I can forgive and I can be forgiven. I can look into my friends eyes and tell them that they mean the world to me. And really truly mean it. I want to change to be a better person.

I have also come to realize that I was in an abusive friendship for the last three years. And i never thought I would be that girl. And i am not sure how it happened, but talking to my friends this weekend and being told about my behaviors, it has all become so clear. And I am so glad, I don't ever have to be in a friendship like that again. And I can put into the past. I am going to be a little more cautious of that.

I have also seen some really dark sides of people that I love this weekend. I am sorry that people have to make bad choices sometimes, just to learn that they are bad choices. And I hope that by people not walking out of my life, and helping me change - I can do the same for others. Right now it feels a little like I am out on my own island. But, i have a cell phone to talk to the ones that I love. And they are slowly talking me into coming back to the mainland. A slow process, but so very rewarding.

It feels good for me to make changes. I am not scared. When I am down, I can only go up. So i have nothing to be scared of. These people love me and want me to succeed. And I want the same for myself.

thank you
k

I want to learn...

It has been brought to my attention that I am not being the best friend I can be right now. And I am really trying to figure out what I am doing so I can change that.

Sometimes I get consumed with feelings of unhappiness. It takes over my mind, body and soul. I have a ton of issues I have not delt with and its becoming more and more clear that I need to do just that. I am ready and willing. I just need these people who say they care, to come and talk to me. And I will sit and hear them out. I know sometimes its easier to avoid the situation, rather than face it. But, it never goes away. And I would like to know, so i can be aware and face it. Head on. And I know that what my actions have been, its not good. And I want to improve.

I sent a horrible message to someone the other day. I do not consiter this person a friend, but she is a human and an alcoholic (like me) and I feel really bad about it. I don't think she means harm. But, I did exactly that...harmed her. And its a horrible feeling. I would like to make some amends for this wrong, but I am thinking she wont hear it from me. At least not now. And I am not in anyway excusing this behavior. I can only look at what my side is and I DO NOT feel justified doing this. Not in anyway. Even if I have been hurt by her. I am learning. I dont want to be that person that retaliates when hurt.

But, as much as I can say I am aware of my actions...I need to make the changes. And that is the harder part. I am a good person and I have a ton of love for the people in my life. I am having a hard time trusting right now...I know this can change and I will try to still continue to put myself out there. And I may get hurt some more. But the end result is good.

Lastly, I have this friend I talked about a couple posts ago. We are still not talking. And its getting easier. I miss them a ton. But, i gotta know that this is for the best. Even if it makes me horribly sad. I want to have good people in my life and I want to be a good person in other peoples lives. And even though I hurt right now and will for awhile, its all a great learning experience.

I will make it out of this. I will be strong and make good decisions. I am a good person. I want to make changes. I can be happy. I will stop crying. I AM worth it.

k