protecting people

Sometimes it hurts others when you withhold information. I know that people protect people to make it easier for themselves. And people don't tell the whole truth, not because they are liars...but because they don't want to hurt people. But i think if you are living your life with respect and love for others (which includes yourself) then you should be honest with everyone. no?

And what people think should be respected, but your feelings are also valid. I am sad that when somethings are one sided, it always hurts the person who was not feeding themselves. And it hurts me to see people continue to take steps to not hurt people and they are not doing the same for themselves. They cant grow into the people they want to be because they are afraid of making someone else react. It sucks.

And one person in particular who is a blood sucker. She sees people as weak and takes advantage of them. Uses them. Sucks them dry and they keep crawling back. Power used for bad. Its horrible. And then people wonder what happened to them. They never saw it coming.

k

stuff i like for the week.

So I was thinking about stuff i want to have/do/make. And for some reason these three things have come up. I really think i would like to have a single or fixed gear bike. I have a ton of respect for the people that are riding fixies with no breaks. It seems semi-unsafe, but it looks fun. I was riding with my friend jenny the other day and she has a fixie and she was passing me on hills with not even breaking a sweat. It looked like i would like that. :)

Here are things that made me happy this week in no order. The gloves are from a company called knog . This company makes super rad stuff for people who ride bikes. The gloves are expensive, but they are so cute. And they have great lights for yo bike.

Another thing is sometimes i spend time on the smoking gun website
its got a ton of funny shit on it. I could spend two hours reading about what people spend at the jails commissary. This shit could take up all my time. And today i was looking at mug shots of all kids of people. I found my fave. I would like to make a screen of this and put it on a t-shirt?

i love you all.
kai

coffee shops

So as of recent I find myself spending more and more time in coffee shops. Let me go back a second - before I moved to milwaukee in febuary 2003, I had not spent much time in 'coffee shops'. Where I come from you get your coffee and go. Here in mke, people spend time in coffee shops. Hanging out, meeting up, using the "free" internet, and drinking coffee. Lots of it. What I noticed that was very different from oregon, was there are NO drive thru coffee huts here. None. And it fucking snows like you would not believe. So people park (if you can find parking) and get out. And go inside and get coffee. It makes me wonder if more people make coffee at home? Or if they really don't give a shit about getting out of their warm cars to go get coffee. Or another option is that they don't know about drive-thru coffee? Or how rad it is?

Wow, that was a ton on that subject. I know that lora will have something to weigh on this? :)

So here I am waiting for a friend at a coffee shop before a meeting. The only plus is most of the coffee shops in mke, are non-smoking now. Which I like. Nothing like sitting for hours in a smokey room.

That's all I have...I think.
Life is going. I am excited about this kids book I am illustrating. It makes me feel good. I can't wait to cash a check that will complete the great feeling. Relationships are hard, as always. Some are smoother than others and one in particular is going well. And that makes me feel good.

I am getting excited about going to oregon for christmas. I want to see my mom, jenny and jenny's kid Tori. I want to decorate the tree with my mom. I want to spend the day in my pj's and chill with the dogs. And I want to look in the sky and see ALL the stars. Its so peaceful out at my mom's. You take that for granted when you have been living in a busy city. I am ready for the quiet.


Love,
k

b

I woke up again crying today.

I have lost my best friend. Even now when i think i can get some release by writing about it, i find myself with tears rolling down my face. I am still really foggy about what happened. What when horribly wrong. I know that there was a problem with the communication. I know that I did not express what I needed to, in the way that she needed to hear it. I know that my part in it was that I put it on her, instead of it being my feelings. And it hurts. So horribly bad.

We have known each other for 19 years this year. That is the longest I have ever known anyone besides my parents. And more important, she has known me. All of me. When I would lie, cheat and steal she was the only one that knew. I never lied to her. I never stole from her. For many years I trusted her more than I ever trusted myself. And now looking back, I leaned on her for support. I figured she knew me. I could NOT bullshit her. She always told me the "real deal," never some sugar-coated bullshit to make me feel better. She was my sounding board.

And now we are no longer in each others lives. Which in someways seems so ironic to me. I always wanted her to get sober so she could have a better life for her kids, and also so she could understand what I go through as an alcoholic. And then she did get sober. And now just exactly the opposite has happened. She has lumped me in with the rest of her family. She has been taking care of them for years. Always the mother, never the daughter, or sister...and I get how taxing that may be for her. And now she has clarity and is able to say that she is done with that. I feel very much like I got put in with them. Like someone she thinks she needs to take care of, when this whole time I thought we were taking care of each other. I guess that is not the case. And it makes me very sad.

I am going to put down some of the amazing memories I have of our lives together, that I can remember. Some of them just fragments. Because I was intoxicated for most of the years we knew each other.

long talks on the skateboard bed. black zip-up hoddie. long blond hair. a suitcase with everything special in it. huge jeans backwards with lots of rolling rocks in them. the graveyard by school. red tail ale. monkey music (aka faith-no-more). oatmeal. small bottles of wine from the restaurant next door. George. speed. 1401 high street. hiding my money under the toilet seat cover. the key we use to hide under the mat. sub sandwiches till you puke. fugazi. carver Busch. muddy's. mike and what's-his-face. riding the bus with her dad in his painting gear. chesse man park. the whistle we used to find each other. many many letters. photos from Florida. black van with Forrest in a car seat. pink bug. the rickshaw. 22 of mickeys. lots of Friday nights at doc's. jiggles during the day. Terra. going to reggae. $3 brownies. my dad's. Dave's. 21st. birthdays. getting punched in the face. (etc...and we were only 21 at this point.)

See i knew this would make me feel better. I get to keep with me all the good memories.
I wish I had photos to scan. maybe tonight I will go home and look at old photos. It may make me sad, but through the sadness I will grow.

Thank you bean for all the amazing times. I love you now and forever.

yours,
Kai