ahhh shit.

life has been trying to get to me. I just know it. fucking shit. I am happy and then all of a sudden it drops a load of poop on me. I am going to be 33 on Thursday. really. its all horse shit. nah, not really but i try to not think to hard about the fact that in seven years I will be 40. ahhh shit.

oh and blogs have been a nightmare. people over sharing. who's right, who's wrong. etc. it's all kinda weird. I am confused and frustrated all at the same time. I like the idea of my friends that i don't always talk to knowing where i am at in my life. And that makes me feel good when i get feedback...which doesn't really happen. And that is why i do it. I don't do it to bash people or make people feel bad. And if i did...and was asked to take it down i would. period.

I am thinking of starting a blog of current design work. And posting it as it is done. Its kinda fun to talk story about the people I have worked with as of recent. And maybe a blog would be a good forum for that? who knows. i did do a logo for my mechanic that i really like. And the crown at the top of this page is from a design i did for james's coffee thingy. I really have been into designing stuff that is something i would like. Something i would put on my wall or wear. I have been having great clients and friend. Its been really nice. And i have been enjoying being more creative. Work sometimes bogs me down and i feel the creative person inside has been put away. And i also would like to be closer to more creative people. I NEED a arts and crafts night. I NEED art shows that might suck but i will go anyways. I NEED to be around like minded people.

Hopefully soon. Please someone say a prayer to the design gods and let them know that i would give up a lot to move and have my dream job at Dark Horse Comics. Really, and seriously.

k

money blows!

I hate being broke. I hate feeling like I am stuck here in Milwaukee. Sometimes i feel trapped. Like i need money to leave. Which i do. But, I also could use what i have saved and hope for the best? I am not going to do it. I have a great job and the money gets put into the bank every two weeks with out fail :)

good note: I paid off my car. Like i own my fucking car. That is totally wild to me. And its a good car. I made all my payments on time or early and never missed one in almost three years. That is a freakin' miracle.

other good note: I have been doing trades with people. I made a logo and some marketing stuff for my mechanic and he is fixing my car. I am doing a card for a nice girl and she will be training me at the gym for a month. Isn't that how things should work? Isn't that how it use to be back in the day? I have something you need and you have something I need. I like it.

other stuff (totally off subject): my father is in the hospital and is having surgery tonight @5pm. And as much as i wish i could be there, i kinda feel like it's better than i am not. I am really working on forgiving him for being such a shitty dad. I think in my own way and time I am forgiving him everyday, a little bit more. I have been writing him a letter for the past three years or so and maybe now is the time to wrap it up and send it. Or maybe i will just read it to my sponsor and burn it and be done. I am not in a position to cause anyone pain, even if i feel hurt by them. I don't want to live the kind of life where retaliating is how i make myself feel better. Its more important for me to done being in pain about a situation and move on. And my father being in the hospital has made me see that it may be time to heal. The pain and hurt is not hurting anyone but me, and i think i don't want to feel it anymore. enough of that.


I thought I had some photos. but i don't. So maybe next time.

chin up,
kai

third time?

So i was really hoping to get this job in Portland and i did not get it because i did not live there. This is the third job that i had a second interview, and got told i would have got the job had i lived in Portland. Its getting old.

So what the fuck do i do? Do i sell everything i have and make the move? Or do it wait it out at my perfectly good job here and see if i can make it a little bit longer without seeing my mom and friends? And living somewhere people don't stare when you walk down the street? And kids don't point. And you don't feel like you are living in the south with all the segregation. Its horrible and maybe living here has made me realize that people are like this...and i should not be ignorant to it. Where i have chose to live in the past has always been comfortable and excepting. And this has been a big change for me. And a good learning experience if nothing else. I think i am going to start staring at fat people. They could do something about it...stop eating. And the people that stare at my tattoos or me are always the fat white trash people. Why is that. Black people are always like, "right on!" and the Hispanics are always hitting on me :) but the white people are scared and take their kids to the other side of the street. Its horrible.

Anyways, i am so not sure what to do? Part of me thinks i should just make the move and hope for the best. And the rational part says don't do it. Stay here till you get a job. But that could be awhile?

help me!

k

i heart grapefruit.

hey everyone.

lets see whats going on? It has been the crazy weather, I have come to expect out of the Midwest. Sunny rad days, then the tornado siren is going off again and then the biggest raindrops I have EVER seen. You never know what to expect. So i don't wash my car and I have had to totally clean out the basement and make everything waterproof.

Other than that everything is moving right along. I am still planning on moving sometime this summer. Hopefully money provided. And I have someone really great in my life. They have been making me feel extra special. Its nice. And I feel at ease right now. I don't feel restless like I have been in the past. I am totally content to sit and read and take a nap if i want. Or not. It has felt good. Work has been really demanding and i am learning a ton. But it takes it out of me sometimes. Damn deadline driven business. :)

I have a new addiction. grapefruit.

yum.

xo,
kai

hail sized raindrops

I have been going through my own set of madness as of recent. I have found that blogging can be very hurtful when people read what you write. I dont think anyone looks at mine so i am free to write whatever i like? I am trying to get my mom to blog. She is an amazing writer and she has plenty to say :)

Today i feel good. not very rested, but good. I have been having difficutlies in relating with people. My friends seem to be irritating and i want to understand people, but it seems a little like i am swimming around in a very small fish bowl and i keep hitting my nose on the side. And things just are not connecting. it's like finding the pieces of the puzzle, but they just look like the right ones. They're not.

And it's been frustrating to have someone talking about you when it's not really me that she is upset with. It's the situation. And i really have thought about this before and how it would effect people and was i willing to take that chance and i have decided "yes". And it was not a malicious thing, it just happened. And i don't feel bad about it. I did NOT do it to hurt someone (who was already hurting before i got anywhere near it) and i think this person IS worth all the bullshit.

I think that some people see me as insensitive to others and i am going to write about something that has been bugging me for awhile now. And for those of you who DO read this please give me feedback.

Ok here is the issue:
marriage. people get married (straight people btw) and they think and truly be live it's the end...or beginning of sharing a life together.

INSERT wikapedia's definition: Marriage is an institution in which interpersonal relationships (usually intimate and sexual) are sanctioned with governmental, social, or religious recognition. It is often created by a contract or through civil processes. Civil marriage is the legal concept of marriage as a governmental institution, in accordance with marriage laws of the land. If recognized by the State, by the religion(s) to which the parties belong and/or by society in general, the act of marriage changes the personal status of the individuals in the eyes of those authorities that recognize it.

People marry for many reasons, but usually one or more of the following: legal, social, and economic stability; the formation of a family unit; procreation and the education and nurturing of children; legitimizing sexual relations; public declaration of love; or to obtain citizenship.

ok so that "is" marriage. In all of its glory. How is it that not everyone can marry? And how is it not just as hard to end a long term relationship and not feel as though you are getting divorced. I come from a family that my parents were NEVER together (sometimes i think it may have been a one-stand ;)) and so i never delt with divorce or how that effects kids. But i also had to deal with two totally different families and values and rules...etc. ok sidetracked...but i have never been married and part of the reason is because i could not get married being in relationships with the same sex. And why is it that straight people say, "it's totally different when you get married and tell everyone, and sign some piece of paper". I am here to tell you my heartache was the same. And I am kinda sick of people telling me that is not the truth. I have been in two long term relationships in the last 33 years and with both of them, i thought that was it...that i did not have to do this again. This was the person i am going to be with for the rest of my life, and would have married had i been able to. So please don't tell me i don't know what it's like to be divorced. Cause i do.

I am tired of people talking about other people's business. It really shows that people have nothing better to do. And as far as people posting things "to help other people" sure that's a great idea if you don't hurt others in the process. And others have been hurt by her words. I feel pretty resilient about it. And if i know there is going to be something written about myself that i don't think is accurate then i wont read it, anymore. And then in turn i don't need to respond which just fuels the fire. And i think this person feeds on that. Plus she likes to be the center of attention. What i don't get is the donate button at the end of the blog. I am confused why she always has her hand out. I go to work everyday to pay my bills, why should i give someone who is fully able to work money? just a question.

done for the day. here is a photo of my new toy. i am a very lucky girl.

ooo,
k

oh my...

So there is someone that has been over sharing. And I feel the need to get my side of the story out there now so that I can feel OK. I was beat down in a blog this morning. And it made me feel like people should keep things to them self’s or to the people close to them other than sharing them with the world. Something this person has done a lot of...

So here is my response to this. And i may also over share but, nobody reads my bullshit. so it's OK. :) And i gotta get this out. It's eating me up inside. I am really working on not telling someone right away how i feel.

Sometimes people get into relationships based on liking one another. And other times they may get into them out of convenience and stay in them out of convenience. And this is called settling.

I have been in both. And right now I am wanting to start a relationship with someone based on trust and the equality between the two of us. This person is great. They make me very happy. They have come from a really crappy relationship where they were not treated as an equal or I would go so far as to say they were someone’s punching bag. They were dumped on and used. And now they are just looking to be held and loved. And maybe I am not that person? But right now this person needs to be loved and nurtured. No more dumping shit on them. And the thing is I so don't want to be this person's everything and nor am I going to make them my everything. It's very unhealthy. I love spending time with them, but I will not make them my world. It's not smart. And as far as I see it something that kills the relationship.

The argument is that I am doing something TO this person's ex. I am not doing anything. They are in pain because of decisions they have made and are feeling sorry for them self’s. (Something they have ALWAYS done) It's getting old. And I am not going to be the reason for the pain. Its only b/c she doesn't want to look at the fact that it's over and this person is moving on. And just maybe they might be in a happy, equal relationship with someone who holds them in the highest regards.

I have spoke at length with this person and they agree, we are taking it slow. Trying our best to not repeat patterns. And being very aware of what is going on at all times. And that means having total open communication. And maybe it was not the most convenient time for this to happen, but this person has been out of this relationship for along time and it is time to move on.

Me and this person's ex were never close. She is a user and a taker. She sucks people dry and then wonders why she is so sad and friendless. And the sad thing is that I think she does not even know she is doing it. I remember one of the first times we hung out. We all went out to dinner and she orders all this food and was like "I don't have any money" and we all had to pay. And it was always like this. She is a depressed person who is always looking for a handout. Like she is entitled to it. Like we owe her. And I am no longer going to keep quiet about it. I think she preys on people she sees as weak. Like her ex for example. this person is great and was so willing to take all her shit, that they is now a shell of themselves. And its exciting and fun to see this other person being revealed. A great person that is learning themselves.

I have no problem walking away, if I knew it would hurt this persons sobriety or the work they was doing. They mean a lot to me, but its more important for them to have these other things.

I realize there is an unspoken code to not date your friends exes. But this person was someone I knew not someone that I was really friends with. She knows little about me because I wanted to steer clear of people who are takers. And that being said, I like this person and regardless of what happens we will be friends.

Kai