Part deux
dec 31st.
rental cars, trains, and more trains....oh and two planes.
today i left Eugene for Portland. this is the begining of my trip home. I returned the rental car that i had for a week in Eugene. it was a good little car. I put $8 in gas in it for the whole week. So i felt pretty ok with that. And heather called it my "clown" car. it was really small. But who cares. I just did not want to hit a deer on the way to and from my moms house.
I am sitting at maddie's in pdx. I am hungry and feeling a little lost, in this city. the thing that feels most accurate about how i feel is "where ever you go there you are"- which seems so accurate for tonight. I went and got a $5 pb&j at whole foods, which goes against everything I believe in. But I had to eat something. And now I am feeling more sane. My ex-best friend Chris is too busy with his gf to see me. Which is fine. Kinda funny how friends come and go out of our lives. I think its ok tho. And wish them the best. And you would not have caught me saying that a year ago. I feel a weight has been lifted from me, not having him in my life. And it feels pretty damn good. And tonight I am hoping to go to a meeting. I need one and I am sure there is one around. Its funny b/c I if I was at home I would be with James at the alano. Going to a meeting I am sure. And here I will most likely be going to a AA club and going to a meeting. Where do I feel more at home? In a city where I know very few people. Or in a city where I know a ton of people, but only feel a connection to a couple people. I am not sure.
I keep getting asked where my home town is. Or where I am from. And this to me is a loaded question. I don't have an answer for them. I have no home base, and I feel sometimes like a nomad. I mean I guess I always feel like where my shit is (and my furry cat leon is) my home? Its not though. Its just where I am right now. And I have really been feeling it this trip. My home is nowhere. And is that ok? Not sure. The saying "home is where the heart is" is not even very accurate, for me. My heart is all over. I wish I had a job in Portland, because I would totally love living here. And I think it would be a good place for me. A healthy place for me. I live in Milwaukee right now and that's how its going to be. I keep trying to find work, and it doesn't seem to be working. I love my job in mke. And I am not in a position to move right now. Being with my mom and seeing how she is getting older, its hard every time. I know I need to be closer to her. And yet I cant seem to find work in Oregon. I know that the economy is fucked right now and I should just be happy in Milwaukee and deal for now. Its hard for this alcoholic to do that sometimes. oh well.
I think nye has so much hype, and its all kinda crap. Another year. Hopefully this will bring some peace to the world. I can only hope. I also hope that the people I love have a good year. I wish the best for each and everyone of them.
houston: nye day. easy flight from pdx to here. I have been trying to find something to do while I have been here and its becoming hard. the people watching is pretty rad. oh by the way I got on the plane at 6am. And went to bed at 12:45 and then just layed there because it was so loud outside of maddies spot. Trusty sean was there at 4 to pick me up tho. He only said my name in vain a couple of times. He is the sweetest guy, to get up at 330 to take me to the airport. I cant say that about a lot of people. So I just saw a big skinhead with a huge swastika tattoo on his neck. big boots with white laces, and red braces. Seems weird to me. That people are still filled with so much hate. It surprises the shit out of me. I feel sorta sorry for them. Also we are in the orange on the make-believe security scale. What does that mean? Oh and you can get arrested for making jokes about the security. That is the craziest shit I have ever heard.
my new years resolution: (which never works out) is to work out. I am fucking paying for it, and i looked at myself this morning. I feel soft and I know that I could be stronger. And if I am going to be riding my bike come spring. I better get my shit together. Plus my attitude is better when I am working out at least 3 days a week. I think I will start with 2 days and work myself up to at least 3. I know what I need to do. I was going when Nat was going with me. Maybe I can put her in the budget and then I will get back into it again. I need to make it happen. Its not like I don't have time for it. I just need to get there, and do it. I am now sitting on the small plane that I had to walk onto the tarmac to get into the plane. I am pretty sure I am not going to post all of this stuff. Because most people don't want to read all this shit.
I miss James. It has been a hard week, to be away from him. But after a couple of days I started to feel better, and realize that if we are really going to give this a go...then I need to trust him. And if he fucks with that then, once again I will be hurt. I cant live like I am going to get fucked over all the time. Plus the meditation is really helping. I can tell today why I feel all kinds of out of sorts. Part of it is - I got like 3 hours of sleep and then another 3.5 on the plane to Houston. And I did not spend the time meditating today. I fell asleep as soon as I got on the other plane. I will do it before I go to sleep tonight.
sorry this post sucked. its hard to write a post over a couple of days and still have it make sense. And if you made it this far, you must really love me. x
1.03.2009
ok sure, what ever you need.
eugene
dec 31st.
today is the first time since we went to the coast that I have been able to sit and do some writing. I have been meditating every morning and a little at night before I fall asleep if i did not just pass out. the time change has been fucking with me. But, I am more worried about going home and having to work on Friday, and making it there on time :0
So Eugene was smooth. I got to see Dione, Heather, Angela, Niki, Aspen and Claire. It was nice to see all these women. And it now seems like of ironic that I spent so much time with all these old friends (and they just happen to all be women) seeing that I have been really shut out of the women's crew in mke. And then all these women were like "we love you" and "we miss you". Especially seeing Claire and Dione. Both women who have made the hugest impact on my life. And I was feeling anxious about spending time with Claire. I now understand why she needed some time off. Even thought it really fucked me up. And I now know that it was not just me and the feelings had very little to do with me. It was her stuff she needed to work on. She has started to come out the other side. I miss having her in my life. So much. She is an amazing person and i need to have her in my life to be the woman i want to be. She has made the most changes of anyone that I know, besides maybe Dione. Wow. She blew me away last night. She told me she was sorry for all that she had put me through. Pretty fucking amazing. She is going to yoga and taking vitamins...and the biggest of all. she QUIT SMOKING. Dione quit smoking. Any fucking thing can happen in the world. i really love these women. unconditionally. it will never change. and i don't say that very often, but my love for them is pure and true. More than anything in the world is. my expectations are put away on this one. I would like them to love me back, but i no longer expect it. And in turn i wont take it for granted. As long as i remain open. thank you.
mom: I love this woman. She makes me laugh so hard I almost pee all the time. We had a very nice time together. It would be nice if the whole time we are together she did not worry about when she was going to see me next. I have learned to be more in the moment and enjoy the time that we are currently spending together. So even thought she did not do that, I did. And i had a great time with her. She is getting really bad at driving, and it freaks me out. And I have to work on my patience. Which is good for me. Since someday, I will be taking care of her. We are on a much more real trip now. Its like we are friends and when things get fucked up (which they still do) I can be the bigger person and just walk away or not engage in the button pushing that goes on. Its nice to be able to see when you need to take a breath and not react. really nice. She makes me a little tired. She is getting older and I can see it every time we part. It make me sad. I need to be closer. I don't want to be so far and not be able to see her when i miss my mom. And I know she wants the same. I love you mom.
Eugene it self has very little left for me. I drive around and wonder where I am going or what to do. I lived there for a very long time and now it seems like a unknown land. Someplace I know that I have been, but forget why. I am glad I can go there and be in the protective arms of my sober girls. Otherwise It may be a little harder for me. I have a ton of memories there, good and bad. Its nice when I can leave there. I breath a little bit better.
on the way to pdx for nye now. no expectations.
dec 31st.
today is the first time since we went to the coast that I have been able to sit and do some writing. I have been meditating every morning and a little at night before I fall asleep if i did not just pass out. the time change has been fucking with me. But, I am more worried about going home and having to work on Friday, and making it there on time :0
So Eugene was smooth. I got to see Dione, Heather, Angela, Niki, Aspen and Claire. It was nice to see all these women. And it now seems like of ironic that I spent so much time with all these old friends (and they just happen to all be women) seeing that I have been really shut out of the women's crew in mke. And then all these women were like "we love you" and "we miss you". Especially seeing Claire and Dione. Both women who have made the hugest impact on my life. And I was feeling anxious about spending time with Claire. I now understand why she needed some time off. Even thought it really fucked me up. And I now know that it was not just me and the feelings had very little to do with me. It was her stuff she needed to work on. She has started to come out the other side. I miss having her in my life. So much. She is an amazing person and i need to have her in my life to be the woman i want to be. She has made the most changes of anyone that I know, besides maybe Dione. Wow. She blew me away last night. She told me she was sorry for all that she had put me through. Pretty fucking amazing. She is going to yoga and taking vitamins...and the biggest of all. she QUIT SMOKING. Dione quit smoking. Any fucking thing can happen in the world. i really love these women. unconditionally. it will never change. and i don't say that very often, but my love for them is pure and true. More than anything in the world is. my expectations are put away on this one. I would like them to love me back, but i no longer expect it. And in turn i wont take it for granted. As long as i remain open. thank you.
mom: I love this woman. She makes me laugh so hard I almost pee all the time. We had a very nice time together. It would be nice if the whole time we are together she did not worry about when she was going to see me next. I have learned to be more in the moment and enjoy the time that we are currently spending together. So even thought she did not do that, I did. And i had a great time with her. She is getting really bad at driving, and it freaks me out. And I have to work on my patience. Which is good for me. Since someday, I will be taking care of her. We are on a much more real trip now. Its like we are friends and when things get fucked up (which they still do) I can be the bigger person and just walk away or not engage in the button pushing that goes on. Its nice to be able to see when you need to take a breath and not react. really nice. She makes me a little tired. She is getting older and I can see it every time we part. It make me sad. I need to be closer. I don't want to be so far and not be able to see her when i miss my mom. And I know she wants the same. I love you mom.
Eugene it self has very little left for me. I drive around and wonder where I am going or what to do. I lived there for a very long time and now it seems like a unknown land. Someplace I know that I have been, but forget why. I am glad I can go there and be in the protective arms of my sober girls. Otherwise It may be a little harder for me. I have a ton of memories there, good and bad. Its nice when I can leave there. I breath a little bit better.
on the way to pdx for nye now. no expectations.
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