ok sure, what ever you need.

eugene
dec 31st.

today is the first time since we went to the coast that I have been able to sit and do some writing. I have been meditating every morning and a little at night before I fall asleep if i did not just pass out. the time change has been fucking with me. But, I am more worried about going home and having to work on Friday, and making it there on time :0

So Eugene was smooth. I got to see Dione, Heather, Angela, Niki, Aspen and Claire. It was nice to see all these women. And it now seems like of ironic that I spent so much time with all these old friends (and they just happen to all be women) seeing that I have been really shut out of the women's crew in mke. And then all these women were like "we love you" and "we miss you". Especially seeing Claire and Dione. Both women who have made the hugest impact on my life. And I was feeling anxious about spending time with Claire. I now understand why she needed some time off. Even thought it really fucked me up. And I now know that it was not just me and the feelings had very little to do with me. It was her stuff she needed to work on. She has started to come out the other side. I miss having her in my life. So much. She is an amazing person and i need to have her in my life to be the woman i want to be. She has made the most changes of anyone that I know, besides maybe Dione. Wow. She blew me away last night. She told me she was sorry for all that she had put me through. Pretty fucking amazing. She is going to yoga and taking vitamins...and the biggest of all. she QUIT SMOKING. Dione quit smoking. Any fucking thing can happen in the world. i really love these women. unconditionally. it will never change. and i don't say that very often, but my love for them is pure and true. More than anything in the world is. my expectations are put away on this one. I would like them to love me back, but i no longer expect it. And in turn i wont take it for granted. As long as i remain open. thank you.

mom: I love this woman. She makes me laugh so hard I almost pee all the time. We had a very nice time together. It would be nice if the whole time we are together she did not worry about when she was going to see me next. I have learned to be more in the moment and enjoy the time that we are currently spending together. So even thought she did not do that, I did. And i had a great time with her. She is getting really bad at driving, and it freaks me out. And I have to work on my patience. Which is good for me. Since someday, I will be taking care of her. We are on a much more real trip now. Its like we are friends and when things get fucked up (which they still do) I can be the bigger person and just walk away or not engage in the button pushing that goes on. Its nice to be able to see when you need to take a breath and not react. really nice. She makes me a little tired. She is getting older and I can see it every time we part. It make me sad. I need to be closer. I don't want to be so far and not be able to see her when i miss my mom. And I know she wants the same. I love you mom.

Eugene it self has very little left for me. I drive around and wonder where I am going or what to do. I lived there for a very long time and now it seems like a unknown land. Someplace I know that I have been, but forget why. I am glad I can go there and be in the protective arms of my sober girls. Otherwise It may be a little harder for me. I have a ton of memories there, good and bad. Its nice when I can leave there. I breath a little bit better.

on the way to pdx for nye now. no expectations.