something that's been bugging me...

Why is that people may not be a size 2 are looked at as bad people. I was thinking about how I was treated when i was super skinny and smoking speed all the time. I think it was better than I am treated now at a size 12/14. And I do it too, I look at overweight people and wonder why they cant just stop eating, don't they know they are killing themselves? I am a healthy person. I don't eat shitty, i try to work out, i only eat until i am full. I don't have a love hate relationship with food. I feel good. Maybe sometimes I smoke a little. Or once in awhile I have a latte instead of black coffee. But, i order for people to give me a shot in this world you have to look the part, even if you have no idea what you are doing. Its sad to me sometimes that we are a sex driven society. It sells, and if you hot and selling it, people will buy it. Its the honest truth. And my ego tells me, to get the things I want in this world I have to starve myself and workout everyday, all day. This is the way I was built. If you look at my family, this is the way they were built. Yeah, I have big boobs and a tummy. I don't mind it most of the time. And as much as starving myself sounds like a good idea to be able to buy skinny jeans...I wont do it.

I have been thinking. maybe a little too much. I am not sure whats going on. I want some security. Is that not what people look for their whole lives? I want to know that I am going to be ok at my job, in my life, in my personal relationships. And sometimes this feels like too much to ask for.

When I think of an ideal situation, for my future. It includes a cute house (that i have put my blood, sweat and money into), a solid work situation, a partner that communicates and loves me. And a relationship with my mother that is based on a solid foundation. My sobriety keeps these things attainable.

I hope that the economic problems that are effecting everyone, change. There are little things I know I take for granted, like having a nice car, being able to go and buy nice things, having items in my life that are disposable, a roof over my head...these are all things that could change at any moment. And I am becoming more and more aware of them. Its a scary scary time. And our new president is aware of this, and will hopefully do something about it. Because something has got to change. No ones jobs are secure. Nothing should be taken for granted. And I am trying very hard not to do that. And also not being so scared that I make myself feel nuts. We are in crisis right now in America and hopefully things will change. I am trying to stay optimistic.

I do know that history has been made and things are going to maybe get worse before they get better. I am hopeful.

xk